‘Men of Elmhurst Public Library Calendar’ Sells Out in 15 Minutes

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by Dave Noble, City News Editor

ELMHURST – Comparing the mob scene to the library’s memorable 2015 video rental release of “Fifty Shades of Grey”, visibly-distraught Elmhurst Public Library president Marsha Baker told reporters huddled inside of Meeting Room B Friday afternoon that the first-ever “Men of Elmhurst Public Library Calendar” sold out in just 15 minutes Thanksgiving night and was marred by abusive behavior, “cat-fights”, and property damage.

All 750 copies of the 2019 calendar – featuring provocative photographs of scantily-clad male librarians, help desk employees, and custodians in various sections of the library – were snatched up by “hostile” Elmhurst residents who waited in line for hours outside to get a copy.  The calendar was priced at $19.99 to library card holders and $49.99 to those without a library card.  The library opened at 8:00 p.m. on Thanksgiving for the calendar sale to avoid disruption during its regular operating hours.

“We were ready for a large crowd, but not mayhem,” said Baker, who doubled the standard number of security guards on duty to two and assigned one of her clerks to pass out holiday book markers and to remind customers of the library’s “quiet” policy.  “There was a lot of pushing and shoving and swearing, just like you see on those Black Friday videos or when the York Theatre shows a free 9:30 a.m. movie during the holidays.”

While Baker had sensed growing anticipation for the “Men of Elmhurst Public Library Calendar” after its release date was announced in the Autumn “Fine Print” newsletter, no one on staff was prepared for the onslaught of an estimated 2,500 people who charged through the library’s west entrance on Thanksgiving night when the doors were unlocked.

“There were more than a few things we could have done better,” said Baker, who admitted that the situation escalated when would-be buyers with pending late fees at the library were told they would not be allowed to purchase a calendar.  “If we do another calendar next year, maybe we’ll print 7,500 copies instead of 750.”

At press time, the calendar was fetching up to $200 on the secondary market through popular buy, sell and trade Facebook groups like “Elmhurst Area eParents” and “Elmhurst eTalk”.

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Elmhurst Police Chief Credits ‘Summer Patrol Unit’ for Drop in Crime Rate

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by Dave Noble, City News Editor

ELMHURST – Gushing over the latest statistics that show a sharp decrease in local crime over the last few months, Elmhurst Police Chief Michael Ruth told reporters Tuesday afternoon that the department’s “Summer Mobile Patrol Unit” – comprised of officers who ride on one of ten performance hybrid bicycles or drive a tricked-out electric golf cart purchased from River Forest Country Club two years ago – is responsible for bringing order and safety back to the city.

According to Ruth, the mobile patrol unit has been instrumental this summer in reducing the number of local bank robberies, shootings and carjackings while serving as a crime deterrent at historically-violent Elmhurst events like “Block to Block” and “Music at the Gazebo”.

“The officers who work the mobile unit are out on the streets and bike paths every day, preventing crime and ensuring the safety of our citizens,” said Ruth, noting that the unit’s capabilities go beyond crowd control.  “They’re chasing leads, shaking down suspects, and rendezvousing with informants just like the rest of our officers.”

Despite its overall success, the Summer Mobile Patrol Unit has seen its share of unique challenges in crime prevention.  The department was forced to cancel its “Mobile Unit Ride-Along” program in early June after several participants fell from the handlebars of police bicycles during routine neighborhood patrols, and public records reveal that the department has accrued more than $400 in Uber charges this summer transporting suspects back to the police station.

Chief Ruth believes that the unit will overcome its deficiencies and continue to succeed in preventing crime.

“We look forward to growing the unit even more,” said Ruth, who revealed that the department is finalizing a deal with an undisclosed traveling carnival for a pair of Percheron horses and eight unicycles to boost the Summer Mobile Patrol Unit in 2019.  “Giving our officers a height advantage over crowds will allow them to observe a wider area.”

City Approves Elmhurst ‘Code of Conduct’ Handbook for All New Residents

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by Dave Noble, City News Editor

ELMHURST – With the intention of explaining the local etiquettes, social norms and expected behavior of living in the tight-knit community, the Elmhurst City Council last week unanimously approved a 36-page “Code of Conduct” handbook that will be distributed to all new residents, starting this fall.

“Appropriate Attire for Shopping at the Elmhurst Farmer’s Market”, “When and Where You Should Lock Your Car Doors”, and “Gaining Your Neighborhood’s Approval Before Making Exterior Changes to Your Home” are among the topics in the handbook, which begins with a brief history of Elmhurst and details the common struggles of newcomers to fit in.  All incoming residents will be required to read the handbook and pass a written test on the material before moving to town.

“We want people to start off on the right foot when they move here,” said Elmhurst Communications Manager Kassondra Schref, who developed the lengthy handbook after a recent study of current and future construction in downtown Elmhurst revealed that the city’s population will increase by 50% over the next ten years.  “The Code of Conduct handbook will help families cope with living here and assist them in gaining acceptance from members of the community.”

Schref noted that the handbook will also provide new residents with the proper protocol for addressing any problems they have with living in Elmhurst.

“Before calling the city with a complaint, we prefer residents to raise the issue in local social media outlets, where their peers will evaluate its validity,” said Schref, who added that the handbook includes a section on “Elmhurst hacks” contributed by lifelong residents.  “This is where new residents can find information on the police department’s typical DUI checkpoint locations, which neighborhoods have the best trash to pick through during ‘Spring Clean Up Week’, and other tips.”

The Elmhurst City Council also approved construction of a “tent city” in Eldridge Park that will serve as temporary housing for the children of new residents who fail the Code of Conduct test.

Mayor Morley’s Self-Portrait Collection Steals the Show at ‘Art in Wilder Park’

by Dave Noble, City News Editor

ELMHURST – Universally praised by art critics from the Elmhurst Artists’ Guild, The York High School student newspaper and Hobby Lobby, Elmhurst Mayor Steve Morley’s expansive collection of self-portraits on display this weekend at the 22nd Annual “Art in Wilder Park” drew large crowds and overshadowed the works of more than 125 other artists.

A whopping total of 48 pieces portraying the mayor – comprised mostly of paintings, abstract line drawings, and sculptures created using raw materials sourced from Salt Creek and the Elmhurst Quarry – covered numerous artistic styles and were quickly purchased for $250 to $14,000 apiece. A renaissance piece titled “Mona Morley” Morley donated to the Elmhurst Art Museum and a screen print titled “Morley Monroe” purchased by The Elmhurst Park District were among the critics’ favorite pieces.

“I see a man-child crying out for love – an innocent orphan in the post-modern world,” said Elmhurst Artists’ Guild President Cassie Swierenga, staring at an oil painting of the mayor posing in a wide-collared leisure suit. “He disgusts me. Yet, I can’t look away”.

Held on Saturday and Sunday outside of Wilder Mansion, “Art in Wilder Park” drew thousands of thrifty Elmhurst residents eager to “bargain with gypsies”. The outdoor event featured live music, food vendors and children’s activities.

Artists from throughout the Midwest who took part in the event were reportedly in “stable” condition Sunday evening after being exposed to Elmhurst for two full days.

Trader Joe’s Announces They Will Never Open a Location in Elmhurst

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by Dave Noble, City News Editor
ELMHURST – Stating that the courtship from both residents and City Hall has grown “tiresome” and that the town fails to meet both the social and economic standards required by his company, Trader Joe’s Chief Executive Officer Dan Bane issued a press release Tuesday morning stating that the “fresh format” grocery store will never open a location in Elmhurst.

The announcement sent shockwaves throughout the community and was met with disappointment by the Elmhurst Economic Development Commission, who was convinced that Trader Joe’s would eventually open a new location in the mid-sized suburban town that already has a Whole Foods, a Mariano’s, two Jewels, and a population of fault-finding grocery shoppers.

“They’ve made it very clear with this statement that they don’t want to open a grocery store here,” said Assistant City Manager Mike Kopp, who noted that he has reached out to Trader Joe’s executives on “dozens” of occasions over the last year or so to gauge their interest in various properties that are available in Elmhurst. “I just called them last week to see if they wanted to take a look at the old location of Rainbow Restaurant. There’s not much parking on the site, but there are a couple of parking garages within a few blocks.”

Elmhurst residents were devastated by the news.

“I had my heart set on Trader Joe’s opening in Elmhurst,” said resident Julia Formari, eating a $15 egg salad sandwich and a drinking a $7 organic juice at the Whole Foods café on Route 83. “Frankly, I’m not satisfied with Whole Foods’ selection of organically grown, environmental-friendly products with no genetically-modified ingredients.”

The decision to eliminate Elmhurst as a potential future location was an easy decision for Trader Joe’s, according to Bane.

“There are dozens of reasons why we would never open a store in Elmhurst,” said Bane, who declined to comment on a rumor that the Economic Development Commission offered to amend some zoning ordinances for Trader Joe’s to open a 25,000 square foot store adjacent to “The Hub” at Berens Park. “The residents are very picky, and they have a reputation for asking a million questions about the origin of products. On top of that, Elmhurst is a revolving door of businesses that open and close.”

Bane added that he is close to completing two separate deals that will bring Trader Joe’s grocery stores to both Bensenville and Schiller Park.

Hundreds of Elmhurst ‘Puppets’ Participate in Student Walkout Designed to Take Away Your Guns

by Dave Noble, City News Editor

ELMHURST – Following an obvious agenda set forth by their parents and the United States government to strip away the Second Amendment right of every red-blooded American to bear arms and “shoot shit”, hundreds of mind-controlled students at York High School and Bryan Middle School obediently took part in a national student walkout Wednesday morning by leaving their classrooms at 10:00 a.m. local time in protest of an isolated incident that took place last month in Parkland, Florida.

Herded like sheep through the hallways and outside of their schools, most students interviewed during the education-depriving 17-minute walkout were suspiciously consistent with their feelings about gun control and why they chose to take part in the “student-led” walkout.

“Civilians should not have access to automatic weapons,” said York High School junior Brandon Jenkins, who denied being a crisis actor despite his unnatural display of poise and confidence while talking about school shootings that have purportedly occurred around the country over the last two decades. “We’re not old enough to vote, so today we’re trying to send a message and show our feelings about gun violence in American schools.”

The student walkout required a strong police presence at both schools and was covered by several media outlets that were conveniently on hand to cover the story. While the students were happy to take a short break from their studies to blindly follow their peers, many of the teachers were frustrated by the interruption to the school day.

“This is a waste of time,” said York High School chemistry teacher Nancy Williams, who has been teaching at York for 35 years and remembers a similar walkout in 1989 when the school removed the student smoking section adjacent to the baseball field. “I don’t understand what these kids are trying to prove.”

Classes resumed at both schools around 10:20 a.m.

Spring Road Family Abruptly Cancels Annual St. Patrick’s Day Parade Viewing Party

The 22nd Annual Elmhurst St. Patrick’s Day Parade Takes Place This Saturday at Noon

by Dave Noble, City News Editor

ELMHURST – Pointing out that the toilet in her downstairs half-bathroom is in need of repair and that she doesn’t have enough folding chairs, shot glasses or patience this year to accommodate 45-50 “spirited” guests from morning until night, Spring Road resident and family matriarch Janis Trammel told reporters seated in the family room addition of her Cape Cod home Wednesday afternoon that she has cancelled her family’s annual Elmhurst St. Patrick’s Day Parade viewing party.

The “Trammel Parade Day Blowout” – which was scheduled to start at 10:00 a.m. Saturday on the Trammel’s front lawn in the 600 block of S. Spring Road, but was more likely to begin with a handful of tailgaters who typically show up around 6:30 a.m. with coffee and Malört – has a reputation for having great food, loud Celtic music and an abundance of alcohol available in its traditional liquid form as well as in Jell-O shots and vodka-soaked Gummy Bears.

“We’ve hosted a party for the last seven years, and something in my house gets ruined or broken every time,” said Trammel, pointing to a large stain on her nylon carpet where a full glass of Pinot Grigio tinted with green food coloring was spilled by her sister-in-law during the 2016 parade party. “I know that a lot of people will be mad that we’re cancelling at the last minute, but I’m tired of feeling obligated to host a party on parade day just because we live on Spring Road.”

Thousands of people attend the Elmhurst St. Patrick’s Day Parade each year, where local organizations, businesses and clubs are represented, along with a variety of animated characters and dozens of fraudulent Irish dancers and musicians.

Fellow Spring Road residents are both shocked and disappointed at the Trammel’s decision.

“There’s nothing more un-Elmhurst than owning a home on Spring Road and not hosting a party on parade day”, said next-door neighbor Jim Michaels, who hosts his own party every year and will likely see a measurable increase in the number of strangers drinking his beer and using his bathroom as a result of the Trammel’s party cancellation. “They are a disgrace to our block and to the entire city of Elmhurst.”

Trammel stated that she doesn’t regret cancelling the party, despite the criticism she has received from family, friends and neighbors.

“We’ll probably walk the kids over to Doc’s Victory Pub and watch the parade from there,” said Trammel, who is under the impression that her family will find an open table by the window facing Spring Road if they arrive at Doc’s by 11:45 a.m. “I’m sure that our front yard will be a disaster by the time we get back, but at least the inside of our house won’t.”

Winter Storm No Match for Resilient Elmhurst Residents

by Dave Noble, City News Editor

ELMHURST – Stocked up on enough provisions to survive for months without leaving home yet determined to escape the feeling of being trapped inside of their multi-million-dollar mansions, Elmhurst residents collectively shrugged their shoulders on Friday and ventured out into the middle of a winter storm that buried the town in nearly a foot of snow over a 24-hour period.

Whether it was to walk their dogs, catch the Metra train to downtown Chicago or make their 6:00 a.m. spin class at FITT/RX, residents bundled up in their heaviest REI-purchased winter gear and went about their daily routines without thinking twice about the hazardous conditions brought on by the snow that began Thursday evening and continued through Friday.

“Regardless of the weather, ‘Cubby’ here wants to go for a walk and will have to take a few dumps throughout the day,” said Elmhurst resident Eric Miles on Friday morning, kicking some snow over a small pile of feces left moments ago by his Boston Terrier on the anonymously-snowplowed sidewalk of 900 S. Hawthorne St. “Elmhurst always comes together as a community to get through times like this. So, we’ll be alright.”

Despite the change of routine for some people brought on by the closing of schools and the cancellation of carjackings and home invasions, residents adapted to everything that came with the heaviest snowfall in Elmhurst since 2015 and challenged themselves against the elements through means such as jogging down the unplowed Prairie Path and driving through town without any effort whatsoever to remove the fallen snow from their vehicle.

“I simply snow-skitched over to Starbucks for a latte,” said S. Kenilworth resident Mindy Riesling early Friday afternoon, sharing the warmth of a trash can fire with a handful of other Elmhurst residents inside the abandoned construction site across the street from City Centre, where Plass Appliances once stood. “People who live around here adapt well to the conditions.”

While some businesses were closed because of the winter storm, places like Portillo’s, the York Theatre and Doti Liquors were packed throughout the day and into the evening. Residents also took advantage of the opportunity to go sledding at Crestview Park and Eldridge Park. The sled hill at Berens Park remained closed, however, after it cracked into two pieces last month during a stretch of sub-zero temperatures.

This story will be updated throughout the weekend, as Elmhurst is expected to get more snow on both Saturday and Sunday.

WGN-TV Seeks Permission to Keep News Chopper in Elmhurst for Ease of Covering Local Crime

by Dave Noble, City News Editor

ELMHURST – Live footage of police chasing suspects through residential neighborhoods, aerial views of current crime scene investigations, and a guaranteed local traffic report during the morning and evening television news programs are among the potential benefits for residents if the City of Elmhurst grants a request from WGN-TV to keep its news helicopter somewhere in town for the convenience of reporting on the massive crime wave that continues to plague the once-peaceful suburb of Chicago.

Known for million-dollar homes, nail salons, and the reluctance of its residents to utilize basic crime-prevention measures, Elmhurst has been the recent target for criminals who prey upon cities with multiple escape routes and unlocked doors. After dispatching their news helicopter from downtown Chicago to Elmhurst dozens of times over the last year, WGN-TV approached the mayor’s office last week with a request to park the chopper atop the Addison St. parking garage or in the City Centre Plaza so that a news team can be quickly dispatched to cover breaking stories.

In exchange for a space to take off, land, and store the helicopter, WGN-TV has offered to report on Elmhurst traffic during its Monday through Friday morning and evening television news programs. Drive times for Spring Rd., York St., and St. Charles Rd. are expected to be included in the coverage.

According to Elmhurst Mayor Steve Morley, the city is leaning toward signing off on the request from WGN-TV.

“The could be a tremendous opportunity for Elmhurst and its residents,” said Morley, who has reportedly asked WGN-TV if the city’s slogan “Close to Everything, Unlike Anything” could appear at the bottom of all live videos aired from above Elmhurst. “I think people would enjoy watching more footage of our police force in action. And if they’re like me, they would also like to know how traffic is moving along St. Charles Rd. from York St. to Route 83 during rush hour.”

While some members of City Hall have approached the mayor with concerns over a helicopter flying over Elmhurst on a regular basis to report on unfavorable stories like bank robberies, burglaries and carjackings, Morley believes that the positives of having a news crew capturing crimes in progress far outweigh the negatives.

“I believe that any publicity is good publicity,” continued Morley, who downplayed a recent report that Elmhurst has been added to the list of “Shithole Cities” whose residents are no longer welcome in the Village of Hinsdale. “We still have a great community, and unfortunately, haters are always going to hate.”

The City of Elmhurst is expected to finalize the deal with WGN-TV later this week.

Breaking: Elmhurst Police Department Cancels Controversial ‘Boo-tiful Saturday’ Activities


Dave Noble, City News Editor

ELMHURST – Bowing to enormous pressure from the community and the Illinois Attorney General’s Office, the Elmhurst Police Department this morning announced the cancellation of today’s activities for children that were to take place at the station as part of Elmhurst City Centre’s “Boo-tiful Saturday”.

After receiving negative feedback from Elmhurst residents with regard to the inappropriateness of a “meet and greet” with incarcerated individuals from the community and an overnight program for children 8 years and older called “The Scared Straight Adventure”, Elmhurst Police Chief Michael Ruth told reporters that being forced to cancel both activities is “unfortunate”.

“This would have been a great opportunity to teach kids that being a criminal is not cool,” said Ruth, who added that common pranks like “Ding Dong Ditch” and peeing in the Millennium Fountain outside of City Hall are “gateway crimes” that often lead to more serious offenses. “But we heard from a lot of parents this week who were worried about certain aspects of our planned activities.”

While some parents expressed concern over their children running into a friend of the family during the “meet and greet”, others pointed out that picking up their kids late Sunday morning from “The Scared Straight Adventure” would cause them to miss soccer practice. However, not everyone was pleased with the police department’s late announcement.

“My kids were really excited about participating,” said Elmhurst resident George Callahan, waiting in line outside the York Theatre with his three sons for a free 9:30 a.m. showing of The Exorcist. “Ace Hardware is letting people carve up scarecrows with a chain saw, so what’s the big deal?”

At press time, Ruth said the department will still be offering adults the opportunity to be shot by a Taser gun in the police department’s parking lot.