Elmhurst Man Shops Local for Mother’s Day, Fails Miserably


by Dave Noble, City News Editor

ELMHURST – Still visibly shaken from his wife’s “stink eye” as she opened Mother’s Day gifts moments earlier that included Krugerrands and Mercury Head Dimes from Elmhurst Coins & Collectibles and a vintage Rosewood Finish chess set from “It’s Good To Be King”, local resident Seth Masterson told reporters Sunday morning that his first-ever attempt to “shop local” was a mistake he’ll regret for a very long time.

“My wife is always telling me to shop local,” said Masterson from the kitchen of his South Ridgeland Avenue home, carefully carving M-O-M with a butter knife out of three freshly-microwaved Kellogg’s Eggo Buttermilk pancakes.  “But other than Jewel and Starbucks, I’m pretty lost in the downtown area.”

Recalling his stressful Saturday afternoon spent in downtown Elmhurst with all three kids in tow and a brief two-hour window to knock out Mother’s Day shopping, Masterson stated that he normally drives to Oakbrook Mall for all of his gift purchases.

“I know there used to be a Honey Girl somewhere on York Street,” stated Masterson, who had his kids sign the Mother’s Day card he picked up at Jewel with her new Cross Bontanica Red Hummingbird Ballpoint Pen that he purchased at West Suburban Office Products.  “Downtown Elmhurst is like a foreign country to me nowadays.”

Masterson noted that while his wife is probably still steaming over the Orange Elite Package he bought for her at Orangetheory Fitness, she managed to keep her anger contained while opening the gifts in front of the children.

“I’m probably not golfing today after we have brunch at Nu Crepes,” added Masterson.

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