Local Dad Submits ‘Father’s Day Agenda’ for Wife’s Approval


By Dave Noble, City News Editor 
ELMHURST – Visibly anxious as he yanked the cord of his Toro Recycler Variable Speed Lawnmower for the fifth time, local dad Mike Cohen told reporters gathered around the backyard shed of his Highland Avenue home moments ago that he’s hoping “at least half” of the items from his hand-written “Father’s Day Agenda” are approved by his wife.

“I’ve been trying to find the right time to give her this list of what I’d like to do today,” said Cohen, who admitted that he took a gamble about 15 minutes earlier by slipping a single sheet of yellow legal pad paper under the bathroom door during his wife’s morning ritual of locking herself in the bathroom with a cup of coffee.  “I found three empty K-cup pods on the kitchen counter, so I figured she should be in a good mood right about now.”

Noting that he spent hours over the course of two weeks carefully formulating about a dozen questions and providing hand-drawn boxes with “Yes”, “No” and “Maybe” answer options below each one, Cohen said he felt cautiously optimistic that strategically-placed questions like “Can I throw out that tattered Whitesnake ’89 Tour t-shirt that you hate?” and “Is it okay if I pull weeds for a half hour this morning?” will serve as enough misdirection to gain approval for more self-serving questions like “Can we take the kids to Hooters for lunch?”.

“The chances of watching the U.S. Open on TV all day are pretty slim,” continued Cohen.  “But if I get the lawn mowed and finish a couple other projects she’s been hounding me to do, she’ll probably give me the okay to buy some parts for my motorcycle.”

At press time, Cohen was seen running back into the house after his wife yelled for him to bring a phone charger to her in the bathroom.     

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