ELMHURST – Using a black Sharpie to cross off another date from the Stolper State Farm Insurance calendar hanging on the side of his refrigerator, local husband and father of four Dan Michaels told reporters Saturday morning that he and his wife are counting the days until their kids return to school next week so that they can resume their Tuesday afternoon ritual of engaging in sexual intercourse at their W. McKinley Avenue home while the house is empty.
“It’s been a rough summer for finding time to do the ‘horizontal tango’ with (wife) Megan, other than between the hours of 3 a.m. and 5 a.m.,” said Dan, who works as a mortgage broker in Oak Brook and claims that it takes him only eight minutes to get home from the office and “less than half of that time” to satisfy his sexual desire that often comes on during the late-morning hours. “When the kids aren’t in school, at least of one of them is at home and awake almost around-the-clock, so Meg and I have to make time to make whoopee.”
While the couple’s Tuesday afternoon ritual during the school year has proven to be a reliable day and time to have intimate relations, Megan – a stay-at-home mom who notices a spike in her own sexual appetite after drinking her third or fourth Folgers Vanilla Biscotti K-Cup of the day – will miss the excitement of finding creative times and places to shag with her husband in the summer.
“I love the thrill of Dan and I knocking out our grocery list at Mariano’s as fast as possible and then finding a secluded parking lot off of Industrial Drive to do the nasty,” said Megan, who has been leaving her 15-year-old son in charge of their other kids for “about an hour” on Saturday mornings during the summer while she and her husband go off to the store. “And it’s even more exhilarating when we drive the Jetta instead of the SUV.”
At press time, Dan was heard calling for his wife to help him with something in the garage.