Elmhurst eChat Highlights: May 8th – 14th

by Dave Noble, City News Editor

ELMHURST – Reports of lost dogs, suspicious activities, and “porch pick-up” no-shows were prevalent in the four preeminent eGroups of Elmhurst last week.  And there was a sharp increase in undergarment resales, intercontinental vacation advice, and requests for information alternatively available by searching Google.  But the most glaring ommission from the local Facebook groups – where members earn undeclared income and openly question the allegiance of fellow citizens – was the daily coverage of local car-jackings and gas station robberies.

Here’s a look at the top stories from Elmhurst, IL News and Comment, Elmhurst Area eParents, Elmhurst ETalk, and Elmhurst, IL Moms for the week of May 8th to May 14th:

Elmhurst, IL News and Comment

Group members were treated to a spirited 416-comment debate Tuesday afternoon on issues ranging from empty downtown storefronts to President Donald Trump’s immigration policy after a question was posed regarding the bus schedule for Churchville Middle School.  In a separate thread over the weekend, resident John Simms was officially recognized as the most qualified person to explain property taxes after establishing that his family’s Elmhurst lineage could be traced back to 1865. Administrators deleted 24 group member posts last week, down from the previous week’s whopping total of 79.

Elmhurst Area eParents

Approximately 500 transactions took place in the local buy, sell, and swap mega-group last week, netting peddlers a combined $1,643.  Administrators reported steady sales in gently-used baby bibs and nursing bras, and a slight increase in humanitarian acts by group members offering free swing-sets and tree houses to whoever has the tools, the manpower, and five or six hours to remove the eyesore from the homeowner’s backyard.

Elmhurst ETalk

Strangers knocked on the door of 66 ETalk members last week, according to statistics obtained from the local Facebook group recognized as the leading source for information pertaining to the wrongdoings of other residents.   Almost half of those reports were later rescinded, however, after homeowners realized that they had ordered a pizza approximately 45 minutes earlier.  Under the category of “Looking for Recommendations”, group members failed to arrive at a unanimous decision multiple times throughout the week, as 18 hairdressers, 25 electricians, and 34 pediatricians were declared “the best” in Elmhurst.

Elmhurst, IL Moms

The multi-purpose Facebook group was plagued with member posts containing coded language and acronyms like “iso”, “mil” and “sahm” last week, and administrators continued to ignore the shady exchanges of nontransferable Kohl’s coupons between group members.  Despite this corruption, 155 children were reunited with their lost toys and stuffed animals found by group members at Wilder Park over the weekend, and dozens of parents hired a nanny through the group with the hope that their children will become fluent in at least two foreign languages by the end of summer.

Local Man Submits to Underpass After Exhaustive Search for Fastest Way Home

by Dave Noble, City News Editor

ELMHURST – Inching his way south along Robert T. Palmer Dr. toward York St., local resident and Metra commuter Doug Trout told reporters crammed into the backseat of his Audi S5 Sportback on Tuesday that after an exhaustive search to find the fastest route home from one of the city’s 17 parking garages, he has officially surrendered to the Palmer underpass, joining the long and slow-moving line of SUV’s and luxury sedans headed toward south Elmhurst each weekday between the hours of 5-7 p.m.

“I hate using the Robert Palmer underpass,” said Trout, referring to the curved downtown Elmhurst roadway that runs under First St. and the train tracks and is named after the British singer-songwriter known for his 1980’s hits like “Addicted to Love” and “Simply Irresistible”. “But I’ve been burned too many times by using other ways home.”

Like thousands of Elmhurstonites who ride the Metra each day and all live within one square mile of each other on the city’s south side, Trout has tested every railroad crossing and side street in his struggle to find the quickest drive home, including unconventional paths like Route 83 and Taft Ave. in Berkeley.

“I’ve been ticketed about 5-6 times in Berkeley,” continued Trout, noting the town’s 30 m.p.h. speed limit on St. Charles Rd. that is strictly enforced against outsiders. “That’s also the reason I stopped getting Chinese take-out from Moon Temple.”

Local crossings of the Union Pacific West rail line and the inconvenience of driving through residential neighborhoods riddled with stop signs and pedestrians have also led Trout to using the underpass.

“I don’t know why so many people are outside just walking around or on their bikes,” said Trout, who added that the residents who live immediately east and west of York St. should be quarantined during rush hour. “Don’t they see that there are a bunch of cars doing 40 (m.p.h.) down their street? What are these people thinking?”

At press time, Trout told reporters “Hold on tight. I’m going to try something,” as he turned east on Adelia St.