Hundreds of Elmhurst ‘Puppets’ Participate in Student Walkout Designed to Take Away Your Guns

by Dave Noble, City News Editor

ELMHURST – Following an obvious agenda set forth by their parents and the United States government to strip away the Second Amendment right of every red-blooded American to bear arms and “shoot shit”, hundreds of mind-controlled students at York High School and Bryan Middle School obediently took part in a national student walkout Wednesday morning by leaving their classrooms at 10:00 a.m. local time in protest of an isolated incident that took place last month in Parkland, Florida.

Herded like sheep through the hallways and outside of their schools, most students interviewed during the education-depriving 17-minute walkout were suspiciously consistent with their feelings about gun control and why they chose to take part in the “student-led” walkout.

“Civilians should not have access to automatic weapons,” said York High School junior Brandon Jenkins, who denied being a crisis actor despite his unnatural display of poise and confidence while talking about school shootings that have purportedly occurred around the country over the last two decades. “We’re not old enough to vote, so today we’re trying to send a message and show our feelings about gun violence in American schools.”

The student walkout required a strong police presence at both schools and was covered by several media outlets that were conveniently on hand to cover the story. While the students were happy to take a short break from their studies to blindly follow their peers, many of the teachers were frustrated by the interruption to the school day.

“This is a waste of time,” said York High School chemistry teacher Nancy Williams, who has been teaching at York for 35 years and remembers a similar walkout in 1989 when the school removed the student smoking section adjacent to the baseball field. “I don’t understand what these kids are trying to prove.”

Classes resumed at both schools around 10:20 a.m.

Spring Road Family Abruptly Cancels Annual St. Patrick’s Day Parade Viewing Party

The 22nd Annual Elmhurst St. Patrick’s Day Parade Takes Place This Saturday at Noon

by Dave Noble, City News Editor

ELMHURST – Pointing out that the toilet in her downstairs half-bathroom is in need of repair and that she doesn’t have enough folding chairs, shot glasses or patience this year to accommodate 45-50 “spirited” guests from morning until night, Spring Road resident and family matriarch Janis Trammel told reporters seated in the family room addition of her Cape Cod home Wednesday afternoon that she has cancelled her family’s annual Elmhurst St. Patrick’s Day Parade viewing party.

The “Trammel Parade Day Blowout” – which was scheduled to start at 10:00 a.m. Saturday on the Trammel’s front lawn in the 600 block of S. Spring Road, but was more likely to begin with a handful of tailgaters who typically show up around 6:30 a.m. with coffee and Malört – has a reputation for having great food, loud Celtic music and an abundance of alcohol available in its traditional liquid form as well as in Jell-O shots and vodka-soaked Gummy Bears.

“We’ve hosted a party for the last seven years, and something in my house gets ruined or broken every time,” said Trammel, pointing to a large stain on her nylon carpet where a full glass of Pinot Grigio tinted with green food coloring was spilled by her sister-in-law during the 2016 parade party. “I know that a lot of people will be mad that we’re cancelling at the last minute, but I’m tired of feeling obligated to host a party on parade day just because we live on Spring Road.”

Thousands of people attend the Elmhurst St. Patrick’s Day Parade each year, where local organizations, businesses and clubs are represented, along with a variety of animated characters and dozens of fraudulent Irish dancers and musicians.

Fellow Spring Road residents are both shocked and disappointed at the Trammel’s decision.

“There’s nothing more un-Elmhurst than owning a home on Spring Road and not hosting a party on parade day”, said next-door neighbor Jim Michaels, who hosts his own party every year and will likely see a measurable increase in the number of strangers drinking his beer and using his bathroom as a result of the Trammel’s party cancellation. “They are a disgrace to our block and to the entire city of Elmhurst.”

Trammel stated that she doesn’t regret cancelling the party, despite the criticism she has received from family, friends and neighbors.

“We’ll probably walk the kids over to Doc’s Victory Pub and watch the parade from there,” said Trammel, who is under the impression that her family will find an open table by the window facing Spring Road if they arrive at Doc’s by 11:45 a.m. “I’m sure that our front yard will be a disaster by the time we get back, but at least the inside of our house won’t.”