Residents Enroll in Local Concealed Carry Classes to ‘Make Elmhurst Great Again’


by Dave Noble, City News Editor

ELMHURST – For some people, it’s about becoming a crime-stopper and rescuing fellow residents from would-be assailants who prey upon the community at events like “Neighborhood Roll Call” and “Touch A Truck”. For others, it’s because they fear that the nation’s volatile political climate will continue to cause civil unrest. But for every one of the Elmhurst citizens who have enrolled in upcoming Concealed Carry License classes at The Knights of Columbus, it’s about restoring the reputation of their once-great community.

With the help of Illinois Concealed Carry LLC, more Elmhurst residents will soon be packing heat. Classes scheduled next weekend and in October at The Knights of Columbus include instructional training in a classroom setting followed by target qualification tests on the sidewalk in front of the 537 N. York St. council location. The first 16-hour course scheduled for September 23rd and 24th sold out within an hour after registration opened, an indication that Elmhurst residents are fed up the local pawn shop hold-ups and muggings at The Elmhurst Farmer’s Market that they read about in the police blotter each week.

Many residents who already have a concealed carry license blame the city and the Elmhurst Park District for holding events that attract people from outside of Elmhurst.

“These kite fests and concerts draw people from all over the place,” said angry local resident and aspiring vigilante Harry Mitchell, who noted that he personally identified more than 200 people at City Centre’s recent Rock the Block party who were “obviously” not from Elmhurst. “I almost drew my weapon on Saturday night when some stranger holding a baby asked me where the public restrooms were located.”

While patriotic do-gooders like Mitchell are already pitching in to protect fellow civilians, others who have not yet obtained their Illinois CCL are looking forward to contributing as well.

“I’m tired of all the crime, and I want to do my share to stop it,” said local resident and F.O.I.D. card holder Frank Jacobsen, who has vowed to bring his revolver while riding the Explore Elmhurst Trolley every Friday and Saturday next summer to prevent any attempts at a hijacking. “We need to make Elmhurst great again.”

After months of continued city turmoil highlighted by the closing of two local pizza restaurants and a near-riot at Crestview Park during the “North Elmhurst Lives Matter” rally in June, Elmhurst has plummeted in the latest “Best Illinois Cities to Live In” rankings. Residents hope that arming themselves with a deadly weapon while going about their daily business will restore Elmhurst to its proper position in the rankings behind Hinsdale.

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City of Elmhurst Offers Advice in Event of Nuclear Attack


by Dave Noble, City News Editor

ELMHURST – Standing at the doorway of a classified fallout shelter located 75 feet below the ground somewhere in Elmhurst, Mayor Steve Morley told still-blindfolded reporters on Wednesday that due to the current international political climate – coupled with escalating military threats from North Korea – the city has created an informational piece for Elmhurst residents, explaining what they should do in the event of a nuclear attack in Chicago.

“We don’t want to alarm anyone,” said Morley, leading reporters into the small room where his security detail will take him in the event of a nuclear attack or a surprise invasion from a neighboring town like Villa Park or Bensenville. “But if Chicago is indeed a target, then the city of Elmhurst and its great people must be prepared for a nuclear attack.”

While admitting that the level of destruction to Elmhurst would be difficult to predict, the mayor noted that residents should expect little to no damage to their summer cottages in Michigan.

The information below is listed on the City of Elmhurst website, and free copies are available at the City Centre office and in a brochure holder on the Explore Elmhurst Trolley.

 

From the City of Elmhurst

 

WHAT YOU SHOULD DO IF ELMHURST ISSUES WARNING OF IMPENDING NUCLEAR ATTACK:

  • Gather enough food, bottled water, K-Cups and liquor to last 48 hours.
  • Return all borrowed materials to the Elmhurst Public Library.
  • Use the City of Elmhurst website to settle any outstanding traffic tickets.
  • Place all of your City Centre gift cards and coupons in a safe and easy-to-access location, in case they become the medium of exchange for good and services in a post-apocalyptic Elmhurst.
  • Identify which of your fanatical friends on Facebook have likely built a bomb shelter already, and initiate contact.

 

IF YOU ARE OUTSIDE WHEN THE BLAST OCCURS:

  • Turn away and close and cover your eyes to prevent damage to your sight.
  • Find something to cover your mouth and nose, such as a scarf, handkerchief or other cloth.
  • If you are in downtown Elmhurst, move your vehicle from three-hour parking to the top level of any parking garage and pay the $2.00 daily fee.
  • If you are in a residential area, seek shelter in the nearest house or castle. Remove scarf, handkerchief or other cloth from your head when approaching so that you are not misidentified by the homeowner.

 

IF YOU ARE AT HOME WHEN THE BLAST OCCURS:

  • Proceed immediately to your basement media room or wine cellar.
  • Remain in your home or shelter for a minimum of 48 hours.
  • Send your housekeeper or nanny outside to verify that the air is radiation-free.

 

IF YOU SURVIVE A LIMITED NUCLEAR ATTACK:

  • Identify which downtown Elmhurst storefronts are non-vacant and suitable for looting by using your shirt sleeve to remove nuclear dust from the windows.
  • Check Elmhurst Area eParents and Elmhurst, IL Moms for drastically-reduced pricing on jet skis and recreational vehicles for sale.
  • Go to the District 205 website for information regarding potential school cancellations. 
  • Place all nuclear debris from your property into garbage bags no heavier than 50 pounds each, attach a yard waste sticker to each bag, and place the bags at your curb no later than 6:00 a.m. on your regular garbage pick-up day. Please note that your normal pick-up day might be delayed due to the nuclear attack.

4 Fun Things To Do in Elmhurst This Weekend:  June 23rd – 25th

by Dave Noble, City News Editor

ELMHURST – Summer is here and it’s time to enjoy everything Elmhurst has to offer! Here are 4 fun things for you to do around town this weekend.

Play the Role of a “Royal Family” at Smalley Swimming Pool


Enter your new kingdom with bravado and entitlement, commandeer prime seating under a giant umbrella, and empower your children to wreak havoc throughout the land. You and your family are the rulers of Norman P. Smalley Pool in York Commons Park. Your queen will enjoy uninterrupted iPhone usage from her makeshift castle of a half-dozen saved lawn chairs, while your king performs a variety of awkward and inappropriate behaviors throughout the afternoon.

  • Dates/Times:  Friday 12-7 p.m., Saturday, 12-7 p.m., Sunday, 11 a.m. – 7 p.m.
  • Location: 665 S. York St.
  • Cost/Fee:  Tot (2 and under) = Free, Youth (3-15 yrs.) = $7.00 resident/$9.00 non-resident, Adult (16-64 yrs.) = $8.00 resident/$11.00 non-resident, Senior (65 yrs.+) = $6.00 resident/$9.00 non-resident.

Enjoy After-Hours Skin Flicks on the “Explore Elmhurst Trolley”


Couples and lonely individuals who take pleasure in watching erotic films with strangers are encouraged to jump on the Explore Elmhurst Trolley this weekend to view a full feature presentation from the “After Dark” adult series on Cinemax.  The movies begin at 10:30 p.m. on Friday and Saturday night.  

  • Dates/Times:  Friday and Saturday from 10:30 p.m. – 12 a.m.
  • Location:  See trolley stops here.
  • Cost: Free!
  • Trolley riders after 10:30 p.m. must be at least 21 years of age.

Find a Lost Dog


An average of 46 dogs are reported lost in Elmhurst each day. While most of them are later found in a separate wing of the owner’s home, the rest of these canines are roaming throughout town, waiting for you to become a hero by finding them and returning them to their owners. Through the use of social media and a vast network of Elmhurst animal lovers, the average lost dog is reunited with their owner in less than 60 minutes.

  • Time/Location:  Friday-Sunday during daylight hours
  • Location:  Residential streets and parks
  • Cost:  Free!

Go Snorkeling in Salt Creek


The Elmhurst Park District wants you to grab your fins, your face mask, and your Go Pro for an exciting dive into the murky depths of Salt Creek! You’ll encounter many of the common creatures found in and around the creek, like tadpoles, scuds and mosquito larvae. Participants are required to bring their own snorkeling equipment, including harpoons and spears.

  • Date/Time:  Saturday, June 24th at 10:00 a.m.
  • Location:  Canoe launch at Eldridge Park
  • Cost/Fee:  $12 residents/$17 non-residents

Mayor Morley’s Mötley Crüe Tribute Band ‘Rocks the Block’

by Dave Noble, Elmhurst Funion Music Critic

ELMHURST – A crowd of more than 2,500 people at Elmhurst City Centre’s 3rd Annual “Rock the Block Party” Friday night were treated to an unscheduled and raucous 75-minute heavy metal set from Mötley Crüe cover band Theatre of Pain, led by Elmhurst mayor Steve Morley on lead vocals and backed by city manager Jim Grabowski (lead guitar), and aldermen Mark Sabatino (bass) and Bob Dunn (percussion).

Dressed head-to-toe in black and donning blonde hair extensions, Morley and his bandmates opened with “Shout at the Devil” and ripped through 13 more Mötley Crüe songs, delighting the crowd with power metal hooks, scream-along choruses and multiple choreographed pyrotechnic explosions.

Relying on the classic hits rather than deeper cuts, the band’s intoxicating combination of serrated guitars and polished drumming focused on the musicianship but was complimented by a spectacle of fog bombs, sparkle showers and Roman candles launched from the stage, located at the corner of Schiller and York Streets. While some numbers like “Girls, Girls, Girls” and “Dr. Feelgood” were hindered by overpowering vocals from Morley, the band’s thick, nasal distortion highlighted by Grabowski’s intricate and expressive guitar solos and licks created a sound that blended well with the rest of the band’s instrumentation. Dunn’s powerful and technical style of rhythmic drumming was outdone only by his cowbell solo on “Live Wire”, while Sabatino’s bass playing never reached any level of prominence during the show.

In addition to screaming “Hello Elmhurst!” into the microphone at an ear-piercing level before and throughout each song, Morley also took time during the performance to announce a surprise roadside safety inspection in multiple locations throughout town over the next six hours.  The band then launched into “Same Ol’ Situation (S.O.S.)”, followed by a dedication of “Helter Skelter” to everyone who works at City Hall. 

The band closed out the first set with “Home Sweet Home” as hundreds of people waved their cell phones back and forth throughout the ballad. After performing “Wild Side” for the first encore and looking on with approval as a mosh pit formed near the City Centre fountain, the band returned to the stage for a second time and jammed “Smokin’ In The Boys Room”. The song was halted prematurely, however, after Morley dove into the crowd during the second chorus and body-surfed out of sight from the stage, never to return. The start of headlining act Lucky Boys Confusion was delayed by approximately 25 minutes while security detail located Morley and maintenance crews removed explosives debris from the stage.

The Rock the Block Party continues Saturday with School of Rock at 11 a.m., followed by American English at 2 p.m., Run Forrest Run at 4:45 p.m., ARRA at 6:30 p.m., and Sixteen Candles at 8:45 p.m.

Top Elmhurst News Stories for August, 2016

by Dave Noble, City News Editor

ELMHURST – Here is a brief review of the top stories in Elmhurst for the month of August.

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Elmhurst City Centre Announces 2017 ‘Cicadas on Parade’ Public Art Exhibit  

August 1, 2016

Following well-received public art exhibits of painted fiberglass cars and bicycles from previous years and this summer’s flower statues located in planters and on the sidewalks around the downtown shopping area, Elmhurst City Centre announced plans Monday to “swarm” the town in 2017 with decorative cicada sculptures ranging from 2 1/2 to 5 feet in length.

More than 300 pieces resembling the Magicicada cassinii, Magicicada septendecim, and Magicicada septendecula species will be placed throughout the downtown shopping area, including on the exterior walls of City Hall and the York Theater, and in the stairwells of the Addison St. and Schiller Parkway parking garages. An auction of the cicada artwork will take place following the exhibit, with all of the money to be donated to different local charities.

 

 


Local Dad Emasculated at Elmhurst Park District’s ‘Kite Fest’

August 6, 2016

Noting his general incompetence when it comes to putting together anything other than a school lunchbox meal, local dad Pete Newhouse told reporters that his inability to assemble and fly a kite during the Elmhurst Park District Kite Fest at Berens Park on Saturday left him feeling “less than manly” in front of his wife and two sons.

“I can’t get this stupid thing to fly,” said Newhouse, who admitted that he was too embarrassed to ask for additional help after he became confused by “contradictory” written instructions on the kite pieces provided by the park district and the verbal cues from staff members, on hand to help parents and children build the frame and attach the sail. “And they didn’t give us a kite tail. How are you supposed to fly a kite without a tail?”

At press time, Newhouse was seen resting on grass about one quarter of the way up the park’s sledding hill next to the kite while his wife and children began building another one on their own.

 

 


Jefferson Elementary Cancels ‘Darkwing’ Theatrical, Tweaks Halloween Activities Amid Bat Anxiety  

August 26, 2016

Sorrowful in tone and needlessly wearing a bright yellow hazmat suit, principal Jeff Winckler told reporters gathered near the monkey bars of the Jefferson Elementary School playground during recess on Tuesday that in light of the lingering bat anxiety still impacting both students and teachers, the school has cancelled their theatrical adaptation of “Darkwing”, a fantasy novel set 65 million years ago about a group of bats who defend their island from deadly predators and a flesh-rotting virus.

“We’ve decided to eliminate any references to bats and all other flying creatures from all of our programs and events this year,” said Winckler, somewhat inaudible through the facepiece respirators of the chemical resistant suit that he has been wearing since the school found two bats in a multipurpose room last Wednesday, the day before the scheduled start of the school year. Jefferson Elementary began school on Monday, after crews did a deep-cleaning of the entire building. “This includes a ban on Batman, Tinker Bell and all other winged or flying creature costumes at Halloween, as well. We don’t want any reminders of this horrific incident.”

 

 


Elmhurst Residents Struggle with Complex Auto Theft Prevention Tips Issued by Police Department  

August 29, 2016

Worried, frustrated, and just looking for some clear advice, local residents voiced their displeasure on Monday with an alert issued by the Elmhurst Police Department that included a “maze” of elaborate step-by-step instructions to prevent auto theft.

“What does it mean that ‘burglars often look for unlocked car doors’?” asked Elmhurst resident Lori Nowak. “At one point they’re telling us to lock the car doors and don’t leave the keys in the car. But then they also want us to remove valuable items. It doesn’t say which one you’re supposed to do first.”

Residents also demanded a further explanation of the vague statement “Burglarizing an unlocked vehicle is much more appealing to criminals”.

6 Fun Things To Do in Elmhurst This Weekend

by Dave Noble, The Funion Weekender
ELMHURST – Don’t let the cold weather stop you from enjoying all that Elmhurst has to offer. Check out these six ideas for fun things to do around town this weekend.

Go Camping in the Elmhurst Quarry 

The Elmhurst-Chicago Stone Co. invites families for an overnight adventure in Elmhurst’s iconic reservoir. Brave the winter chill by descending 200 feet down the east lobe and setting up camp for an evening filled with stories, songs and rock-climbing lessons, followed by an 8 p.m. showing of “Big Hero 6” against the north wall.

  • Date/Time: Saturday from 5 p.m. through Sunday at 9 a.m.
  • Location: Elmhurst Quarry (east lobe)
  • Ages: Any (children under 12 must be accompanied by an adult)
  • Cost: $8 Resident, $12 Non-resident

 

Visit the “Game of Thrones” Winter Renaissance Fair at Wilder Parkimage

Wilder Park is transformed into a fairgrounds depicting famous settings from the hit HBO drama Game of Thrones. Meet all of your favorite characters and enjoy recreated scenes including every wedding from the show’s first five seasons. Family photos with White Walkers are $15 each.

  • Dates/Times: Friday 4 p.m. to 9 p.m., Saturday 11 a.m. to 9 p.m., Sunday 11 a.m. to 5 p.m.
  • Location: Wilder Park
  • Ages: 11 and over
  • Cost: Free!

 

Train to be a “John” for Elmhurst Police Department sting operationsimage

Citizens looking to make a difference in their community are encouraged to register for this educational two-hour program that will teach you the skills needed to participate as a “John” in real Elmhurst Police Department prostitution stings.

  • Date/Time: Saturday from 10 a.m. to 12 p.m.
  • Location: Elmhurst Police Department
  • Ages: Adults 21 and over
  • Cost: $25 registration fee

 

Crash a wedding reception at Wilder Mansionimage

Enjoy a night of free food and drinks along with a DJ and dancing during one of two wedding receptions scheduled this weekend at Elmhurst’s premiere event location.

  • Dates/Times: Friday from 7 p.m. to midnight (Rizzo/Vandercamp reception) and Saturday from 6 p.m. to 11 p.m. (Rotecki/O’Day reception)
  • Location: Wilder Mansion
  • Ages: 21 and over
  • Cost: Free!

 

See “The Rocks of Salt Creek” exhibit at the Lizzadro Museum of Lapidary Artimage

Common types of stones and pebbles found in and around Salt Creek are on display in the form of mosaics and cameos depicting famous Elmhurst residents and events.

  • Dates/Times: Friday and Saturday from 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. and Sunday from 1 p.m. to 5 p.m.
  • Location: Lizzadro Museum of Lapidary Art
  • Ages: Open to all
  • Cost:$5 Adults, $4 Senior Citizens, $3 Children

 

Volunteer for Presidents Day decorating in City Centreimage

The City of Elmhurst and Elmhurst City Centre are looking for volunteers to decorate the downtown area in honor of Presidents Day next month. Ornamentation of the area includes erecting a 75-foot adaptation of the Washington Monument in the plaza, hanging American flag-themed windsocks from light poles, and creating clay busts of George Washington and Abraham Lincoln for staking into planters around prominent downtown locations.

  • Date/Time: Sunday from 11:00 a.m. until approximately 6:00 p.m.
  • Location: Elmhurst City Centre (meet by the fountain)
  • Ages: Open to all
  • Cost: Free!