City of Elmhurst Offers Advice in Event of Nuclear Attack


by Dave Noble, City News Editor

ELMHURST – Standing at the doorway of a classified fallout shelter located 75 feet below the ground somewhere in Elmhurst, Mayor Steve Morley told still-blindfolded reporters on Wednesday that due to the current international political climate – coupled with escalating military threats from North Korea – the city has created an informational piece for Elmhurst residents, explaining what they should do in the event of a nuclear attack in Chicago.

“We don’t want to alarm anyone,” said Morley, leading reporters into the small room where his security detail will take him in the event of a nuclear attack or a surprise invasion from a neighboring town like Villa Park or Bensenville. “But if Chicago is indeed a target, then the city of Elmhurst and its great people must be prepared for a nuclear attack.”

While admitting that the level of destruction to Elmhurst would be difficult to predict, the mayor noted that residents should expect little or no damage to their summer cottages in Michigan.

The information below is listed on the City of Elmhurst website, and free copies are available at the City Centre office and in a brochure holder on the Explore Elmhurst Trolley.

 

From the City of Elmhurst

 

WHAT YOU SHOULD DO IF ELMHURST ISSUES WARNING OF IMPENDING NUCLEAR ATTACK:

  • Gather enough food, bottled water, K-Cups and liquor to last 48 hours.
  • Return all borrowed materials to the Elmhurst Public Library.
  • Use the City of Elmhurst website to settle any outstanding traffic tickets.
  • Place all of your City Centre gift cards and coupons in a safe and easy-to-access location, in case they become the medium of exchange for good and services in a post-apocalyptic Elmhurst.
  • Identify which of your fanatical friends on Facebook have likely built a bomb shelter already, and initiate contact.

 

IF YOU ARE OUTSIDE WHEN THE BLAST OCCURS:

  • Turn away and close and cover your eyes to prevent damage to your sight.
  • Find something to cover your mouth and nose, such as a scarf, handkerchief or other cloth.
  • If you are in downtown Elmhurst, move your vehicle from three-hour parking to the top level of any parking garage and pay the $2.00 daily fee.
  • If you are in a residential area, seek shelter in the nearest house or castle. Remove scarf, handkerchief or other cloth from your head when approaching so that you are not misidentified by the homeowner.

 

IF YOU ARE AT HOME WHEN THE BLAST OCCURS:

  • Proceed immediately to your basement media room or wine cellar.
  • Remain in your home or shelter for a minimum of 48 hours.
  • Send your housekeeper or nanny outside to verify that the air is radiation-free.

 

IF YOU SURVIVE A LIMITED NUCLEAR ATTACK:

  • Identify which downtown Elmhurst storefronts are non-vacant and suitable for looting by using your shirt sleeve to remove nuclear dust from the windows.
  • Check Elmhurst Area eParents and Elmhurst, IL Moms for drastically-reduced pricing on jet skis and recreational vehicles for sale.
  • Go to the District 205 website for information regarding potential school cancellations. 
  • Place all nuclear debris from your property into garbage bags no heavier than 50 pounds each, attach a yard waste sticker to each bag, and place the bags at your curb no later than 6:00 a.m. on your regular garbage pick-up day. Please note that your normal pick-up day might be delayed due to the nuclear attack.

Local Mom Credits Pro-Life Demonstrators for Impromptu Family Discussion About Abortion


by Dave Noble, City News Editor

ELMHURST – Expressing gratitude and relief, Elmhurst resident and mother of three Lucy Davenport told reporters that pro-life demonstrators helped her initiate an impromptu and “long overdue” discussion about abortion with her children, Logan (age 9), Teresa (age 7), and Samantha (age 5) after the four of them were treated to the sight of graphic images featuring aborted fetuses while driving through Elmhurst on Saturday afternoon.

“I’m a little embarrassed to say that, until today, I hadn’t discussed abortion with the kids,” said Davenport, who was taking her children out for lunch when they neared the decimated retail district of Elmhurst at St. Charles Rd. and Route 83 and encountered members of the Pro-Life Action League performing an unannounced public service with poster-sized pictures of unborn babies highlighted by undeveloped body and facial features. “Deep down, I knew I had waited too long to describe the process to my kids of how the cervix gets stretched open and the pregnancy tissue is sucked from her uterus. I’m just thankful that these good Samaritans from Pro-Life were here today to nudge me into having that conversation.”

Armed with the unique ability to hold up a sign and the deft touch required when approaching vehicles with a trifold brochure debunking the myth that victims of rape and incest need an abortion, the demonstrators were participating in the Pro-Life Action League’s “Face the Truth Tour”, which covers various parts of Chicago and its suburbs during the month of July, including Saturday’s stops in Westmont, Villa Park and Elmhurst.

“It just made sense to go ahead and talk about rape and incest with the kids as well after my son started reading the brochure,” continued Davenport, who conceded that the signs and literature made her children hysterical, which was compounded further after pulling into Smashburger down the street and learning that the quick-serve restaurant had closed for good. “They’ll stop crying in a few hours, I’m pretty sure. And within a few months, the nightmares over what they saw today will trickle off.”  

At press time, an inspired Davenport was en route to the Elmhurst Public Library with the hopes of borrowing Schindler’s List for her family to watch that night, followed by an in-depth conversation about the Holocaust.

Villa Park Head Shops ‘Fired Up’ for Black Friday Deals


by Dave Noble, Local Business News 
VILLA PARK – Carefully reorganizing a spotless glass shelf full of ceramic marijuana smoking instruments depicting movie characters and famous people like Darth Vader, Bob Marley and “Chronic Man”, reefer paraphernalia and tobacco store owner Stacy Reynolds told a group of clearly distracted reporters perusing the “Bowls and Pipes” section of Discount Smoke Zone on Sunday that Villa Park’s head shops are gearing up for Black Friday by advertising deep discounts and early shopping hours the day after Thanksgiving, the traditional start of the Christmas shopping season.

“Walmart, Target and the 5-Star Swap Mart won’t be the only local shopping destinations packed with customers on Friday,” said Reynolds, who last year rented a 25-foot inflatable bong (A smoke filtration device also known as a “water pipe”, a “billy”, a “bing” or a “moof” made of clay, ceramic, plastic tubing, PVC or a host of other materials that is used for smoking cannabis) on Black Friday and placed it in front of her store’s St. Charles Road location, which resulted in a new one-day sales record.

“We were sold out of every pot-smoking device and candy bar by noon,” boasted Reynolds, who opened at 6:00 a.m. and advertised cannabis-crushing devices known as “grinders” for $3.99 and hydroponic equipment for the cultivation of marijuana starting at $49.99. “We had over 100 people standing outside the door for hours before we opened.”

A few hundred feet west of Discount Smoke Zone, No Limit Smoke owner Amit Sidana plans to open at 8:00 p.m. on Thanksgiving night to get an edge over his nearby competitor for Black Friday sales.

“I feel guilty for making our staff work on Thanksgiving,” said Sidana, who is selling 18” Weed Star beaker bongs featuring a reinforced fixed downstem with drum diffuser for only $137.00 (while supplies last), which is less than half of the manufacturer’s suggested retail price. “But there’s a lot of competition around here for pot-smoking customers, so we all have to make some personal sacrifices for business purposes.” 

Further south, Roosevelt Tobacco is promoting the big shopping day as “Fried Friday” by giving away a free pack of Hempire single wide rolling papers to its first 300 customers. Assistant manager Mike Tenace is counting on his store’s plethora of cannabis culture-related items to separate Roosevelt Tobacco from the competition.

“We have weed magazines, psychedelic art, blacklight-responsive posters and a lot of other cool stuff,” said Tenace, who noted that the Taco Bell located next door will also draw pot-smokers into his store for the Black Friday sale, which includes a “Marijuana Advent Calendar” with 25 windows that each reveal a picture and the name of a highly potent marijuana strain. “Peronsally, my favorite days in the calendar are Sour Diesel, White Widow, and Blackberry Kush.”

While the competition between Villa Park’s head shops continues to increase each year, everyone agrees that the unique customer demographic makes Black Friday shopping for weed paraphernalia a lot less hectic than what customers experience at national retailers and “big box” stores.

“I’ve found that the customers on Black Friday are really patient and somewhat lethargic,” noted Reynolds. “Their paranoia can be a little hard to deal with, but at least I’m not breaking up any fights over the last one-hitter on the shelf.”