City of Elmhurst Offers Advice in Event of Nuclear Attack

by Dave Noble, City News Editor

ELMHURST – Standing at the doorway of a classified fallout shelter located 75 feet below the ground somewhere in Elmhurst, Mayor Steve Morley told still-blindfolded reporters on Wednesday that due to the current international political climate – coupled with escalating military threats from North Korea – the city has created an informational piece for Elmhurst residents, explaining what they should do in the event of a nuclear attack in Chicago.

“We don’t want to alarm anyone,” said Morley, leading reporters into the small room where his security detail will take him in the event of a nuclear attack or a surprise invasion from a neighboring town like Villa Park or Bensenville. “But if Chicago is indeed a target, then the city of Elmhurst and its great people must be prepared for a nuclear attack.”

While admitting that the level of destruction to Elmhurst would be difficult to predict, the mayor noted that residents should expect little to no damage to their summer cottages in Michigan.

The information below is listed on the City of Elmhurst website, and free copies are available at the City Centre office and in a brochure holder on the Explore Elmhurst Trolley.

From the City of Elmhurst


  • Gather enough food, bottled water, K-Cups and liquor to last 48 hours.
  • Return all borrowed materials to the Elmhurst Public Library.
  • Use the City of Elmhurst website to settle any outstanding traffic tickets.
  • Place all of your City Centre gift cards and coupons in a safe and easy-to-access location, in case they become the medium of exchange for good and services in a post-apocalyptic Elmhurst.
  • Identify which of your fanatical friends on Facebook have likely built a bomb shelter already, and initiate contact.


  • Turn away and close and cover your eyes to prevent damage to your sight.
  • Find something to cover your mouth and nose, such as a scarf, handkerchief or other cloth.
  • If you are in downtown Elmhurst, move your vehicle from three-hour parking to the top level of any parking garage and pay the $2.00 daily fee.
  • If you are in a residential area, seek shelter in the nearest house or castle. Remove scarf, handkerchief or other cloth from your head when approaching so that you are not misidentified by the homeowner.


  • Proceed immediately to your basement media room or wine cellar.
  • Remain in your home or shelter for a minimum of 48 hours.
  • Send your housekeeper or nanny outside to verify that the air is radiation-free.


  • Identify which downtown Elmhurst storefronts are non-vacant and suitable for looting by using your shirt sleeve to remove nuclear dust from the windows.
  • Check Elmhurst Area eParents and Elmhurst, IL Moms for drastically-reduced pricing on jet skis and recreational vehicles for sale.
  • Go to the District 205 website for information regarding potential school cancellations.
  • Place all nuclear debris from your property into garbage bags no heavier than 50 pounds each, attach a yard waste sticker to each bag, and place the bags at your curb no later than 6:00 a.m. on your regular garbage pick-up day. Please note that your normal pick-up day might be delayed due to the nuclear attack.

Elmhurst Man Eager to ‘Light Up the Neighborhood’ on the Fourth of July

by Dave Noble, City News Editor

ELMHURST – Phantom Reloadable Mortars, Crackling Octopus Rockets and a grand finale featuring an assortment of experimental and homemade pyrotechnics will “light up the neighborhood” for more than three hours this Fourth of July when an Elmhurst man celebrates Independence Day with his own annual fireworks display, scheduled to begin at 11:00 p.m. Tuesday night in front of his home on the northeast side of town. 

Complimented by huge explosions, blinding smoke bombs and a Spotify playlist blaring heavy metal music, the man’s fireworks show is expected to be seen and heard throughout north Elmhurst and in parts of Bensenville, Schiller Park, Franklin Park and Northlake.

“I know that fireworks are illegal in Illinois,” said the man, speaking on the condition of anonymity. “But it’s the anniversary of when our founding fathers declared their independence from the Native Americans. So I’m going to celebrate it the way I want to celebrate it.”

Because his home is tucked deep into the subdivision east of York St. on the city’s north side, the man is not worried about the police showing up when he begins his show with a flurry of commercial-use pyrotechnics and military-grade explosives that are to be ignited on the flattest section of his gravel driveway.

“I haven’t been bothered by the cops in the past,” boasted the man, who sees his fireworks show as a community service. “But then again, I’ve never launched a dozen Silver Sonic Warheads from my garage roof in the past, either.”

Insisting that he always keeps spectators at least ten feet away from the discharge site of aerial spinners and canister smoke bombs and that he forbids children under the age of six from using his Roman candles to play tag, the man stressed that safety is one of his four or five greatest concerns when setting off fireworks, particularly those that the man has modified by adding a powder mixture of potassium nitrate, charcoal and sulfur that he learned how to make by watching a You Tube video.

“To be honest, there aren’t too many people around anymore when I put on my show,” said the man, who has noticed an increase over the years of neighbors on his block who either go out of town on the Fourth of July or elect to stay at a local hotel overnight. “We haven’t had a major incident in a couple years now, so why don’t they want to check out my kick-ass fireworks?”

The man has scheduled an event preview on July 3rd, when he will light a few 1600-count strips of Wolfpack Firecrackers around midnight and attempt to reignite some “duds” he saved from last year’s fireworks show.

Bensenville Rallies to Support Elmhurst Victims of O’Hare Runway Rotation

by Dave Noble, City News Editor

BENSENVILLE – Standing behind a neglected bridal party table littered with lipstick-stained wine glasses and half-eaten slices of mocha buttercream cake from Saturday night’s Dietz-Lombardo wedding reception, Village President Frank Soto implored more than 300 empathetic Bensenville residents, business owners and dignitaries gathered in the Pine Room of the White Pines Golf Course Sunday morning to help Elmhurst citizens cope with the runway rotation schedule at O’Hare International Airport that will direct departures and arrivals over their “great city” during the late-night and early morning hours this week.

The baffling inclusion of Elmhurst for a second time in the “Fly Quiet Runway Rotation Plan” – a six-month test that distributes jet noise among suburban communities near O’Hare by rotating the runways used for overnight flights – sparked Bensenville’s effort to assist Elmhurst residents and led Soto to declare August 21st through August 27th “Elmhurst Aircraft Noise Awareness Week”.

“It’s our humanitarian obligation to do everything within our power to make sure the people of Elmhurst get their rest at night,” said an emotional Soto, wearing an Elmhurst Aircraft Noise Awareness Week t-shirt with a line-drawing of an airplane flying over the York Theater. “My understanding is that many of the families in the flight path had to sleep in their basement media rooms and guest bedrooms last time. And that makes me sick to my stomach.”

After hearing reports of how frightened and inconvenienced their neighbors to the south were during the first flight rotation over Elmhurst last month, “hordes” of Bensenville residents reached out to Soto, asking what they can do to help Elmhurst persevere through this week’s noise intrusion.

“The pillars of our business community have really come through with provisions for Elmhurst citizens this week,” continued Soto, highlighting the 75-pound donation of Chaleco cheese fondue dip from De Campana Restaurant and Jade Dragon’s contribution of 200 egg rolls and roughly 1,300 packets of sweet and sour sauce, scheduled to be dispatched with other supplements to those neighborhoods impacted the most by the treacherous sound of cargo aircraft and Boeing 747’s flying over their homes between 11 p.m. and 4 a.m. “And I would like to give a special thanks to the guys over at Victory Auto Wreckers for delivering everything in one of their flatbed trucks.”

While Elmhurst homeowners are thankful for Bensenville’s support, many are still struggling to understand how living seven miles from the fourth-busiest airport in the world can be such a nuisance. 

“When we bought this house, the realtor told us that O’Hare recognizes the more prestigious towns surrounding the airport and directs fewer planes over them,” said miffed N. Ida Lane resident Mark Rubio, who confessed that he only travels to Bensenville to shop for a new car or to enjoy the LibertyFest Fourth of July fireworks show at Redmond Park. “I’ve called every complaint number and filled out every survey, and I haven’t heard back from anyone.”

The O’Hare Noise Compatibility Commission and the Chicago Department of Aviation are asking people within hearing distance of O’Hare to fill out surveys weekly describing noise levels after each rotation at