by Dave Noble, City News Editor
ELMHURST – Parents who can afford the costly tuition and know who they have to bribe in order to move their way up a very long wait list have a new preschool academy option in Elmhurst. Fia Mia Academy opens on Monday after a long application process that resulted in the academy being denied its request to create a petting zoo and build a 40-ft. rock climbing wall on the property but approved for the majority of their extravagant amenities.
Located in the chic Lake Street business district, the 6,000 square foot campus boasts luxuries like indoor and outdoor learning spaces, a private chef, and a commercial grade reverse osmosis system to ensure that poorly behaved children are hosed down with only the purest water possible.
Depending on the age of the child and the number of days they attend, tuition varies from $1300-$3000 per month. A $500 registration fee is not included with tuition, nor is the cost of three scheduled field trips abroad. Despite the pricey tuition, applications for enrollment have been flooding in according to Fia Mia Executive Director Lindsay Niekro.
“It’s been all word of mouth about our opening,” said Niekro about the immense interest from wealthy Elmhurst residents with deep pockets and a strong desire to separate themselves from their children for up to ten hours a day. “We were prohibited from advertising before getting our permit from DCFS, so we just spread the word. And it worked!”
Meals served at Fia Mia will include only the highest quality ingredients locally sourced from Walmart or Aldi. Hand-breaded “Fia Mia Chicken Nuggets” deep fried in corn oil and “Butter & Noodles” featuring fettuccini pasta made in-house will rotate as the daily lunch meal. For the “Life Skills” portion of the curriculum, children will spend 1 ½ to 2 hours each day watching Tik Tok videos as an introduction to becoming a social media influencer and learn simple techniques to pit their parents against one another.
Because Fia Mia is opening more than a month after the 2023-24 school year began, a condensed learning schedule has been created to ensure that the academy’s curriculum is met.
“The 3–5-year-olds will have about an hour’s worth of homework each night through January or February,” said Niekro, who noted that naps have been eliminated from the daily schedule for the “foreseeable future” in order for children to make up for the lost time. “In particular, we’re concerned that the kids may not be proficient in their foreign language of choice by the end of the year unless we make some adjustments.”
The Elmhurst Funion 