Elmhurst Social Media Manager Under Scrutiny for Timing of CodeRED Alert

by Dave Noble, City News Editor

ELMHURST – Carefully cropping a photo of Mayor Steve Morley’s head onto an image of King Kong swatting at low-flying airplanes from atop the Addison St. parking garage, City of Elmhurst Social Media Manager Kenny Grant told reporters squeezed into his cubicle at City Hall Wednesday morning that he believes his job is in jeopardy after he delayed posting a CodeRED Alert to residents about a local manhunt for an “armed and dangerous” suspect during the early hours of Tuesday morning.

“The shit hit the fan right away,” said Grant, referring to an onslaught of criticism from residents who wanted to know why they were not immediately notified about the capture of two robbery suspects and the pursuit and subsequent capture of a third suspect in Elmhurst following a single-car crash off of North Ave. around 1:30 a.m. “It was certainly a judgement call. But I figured everyone was sleeping at the time, and I didn’t want to cause panic.”

Visibly distraught while reviewing the disparaging social media comments regarding his decision to wait until 5:30 a.m. before utilizing the city’s CodeRED system intended for emergency situations and important community concerns like bio-terrorism alerts, boil water notices and the opening of a new yoga studio in town, Grant pointed out that #firekennygrant was currently trending on Twitter, and that a Facebook Page created under a similar name had already garnered 27 Likes.

“They didn’t tell me I’d have to make a big decision like this when I got the job,” continued Grant, a 2013 York High School graduate who noted that he was given “carte blanche” to issue a CodeRED Alert any time and the authority to use the city’s Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat accounts for posting news, announcements and creative memes appropriate for all ages. “Up until now, the hardest part of my job was finding the appropriate emoji to accompany each CodeRED Alert.”

At press time, Grant was seen scurrying into City Manager Jim Grabowski’s office with doughnuts and an idea for a Facebook Event for residents who wish to attend Wednesday’s scheduled natural gas release by Nicor.

Local Mom Credits Pro-Life Demonstrators for Impromptu Family Discussion About Abortion

by Dave Noble, City News Editor

ELMHURST – Expressing gratitude and relief, Elmhurst resident and mother of three Lucy Davenport told reporters that pro-life demonstrators helped her initiate an impromptu and “long overdue” discussion about abortion with her children, Logan (age 9), Teresa (age 7), and Samantha (age 5) after the four of them were treated to the sight of graphic images featuring aborted fetuses while driving through Elmhurst on Saturday afternoon.

“I’m a little embarrassed to say that, until today, I hadn’t discussed abortion with the kids,” said Davenport, who was taking her children out for lunch when they neared the decimated retail district of Elmhurst at St. Charles Rd. and Route 83 and encountered members of the Pro-Life Action League performing an unannounced public service with poster-sized pictures of unborn babies highlighted by undeveloped body and facial features. “Deep down, I knew I had waited too long to describe the process to my kids of how the cervix gets stretched open and the pregnancy tissue is sucked from her uterus. I’m just thankful that these good Samaritans from Pro-Life were here today to nudge me into having that conversation.”

Armed with the unique ability to hold up a sign and the deft touch required when approaching vehicles with a trifold brochure debunking the myth that victims of rape and incest need an abortion, the demonstrators were participating in the Pro-Life Action League’s “Face the Truth Tour”, which covers various parts of Chicago and its suburbs during the month of July, including Saturday’s stops in Westmont, Villa Park and Elmhurst.

“It just made sense to go ahead and talk about rape and incest with the kids as well after my son started reading the brochure,” continued Davenport, who conceded that the signs and literature made her children hysterical, which was compounded further after pulling into Smashburger down the street and learning that the quick-serve restaurant had closed for good. “They’ll stop crying in a few hours, I’m pretty sure. And within a few months, the nightmares over what they saw today will trickle off.”  

At press time, an inspired Davenport was en route to the Elmhurst Public Library with the hopes of borrowing Schindler’s List for her family to watch that night, followed by an in-depth conversation about the Holocaust.