Elmhurst Residents Unite to Ignore ‘Stay at Home’ Order

by Dave Noble, City News Editor

ELMHURST – Banding together to defeat government orders, science, and social consciousness during the COVID-19 pandemic, Elmhurst residents disregarded the state-issued “Stay at Home Order” this week and gathered in various places throughout town to enjoy Spring-like weather.

After days of boredom at home and unsuccessful attempts to reconnect with their own family, Elmhurst residents deliberately assembled to participate in newly-defined “essential” activities like soccer practices, play-dates and neighborhood gossip sessions.

“We’ve done our part to flatten the curve, and it’s time to put this whole coronavirus thing behind us now,” said W. Armitage Ave. resident Jake Morrison, who endured more than 72 straight hours with his wife and four children inside the house before concluding that the effect of playing team sports and participating in group activities can be countered by good hygiene.  “As long as we’re washing our hands when we return home, we should be fine.”

Elmhurst residents reported that they will revisit the Stay at Home Order once the daily high temperature returns to the 40’s.

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‘Incompetent’ Jewel-Osco Employees Now Revered by Elmhurst Residents

‘Social Distancing’ Embraced by Elmhurst Residents Who Already Dislike Each Other

City of Elmhurst Advises Residents to Hold Off on Completing U.S. Census Until Coronavirus ‘Takes Its Toll’

‘Incompetent’ Jewel-Osco Employees Now Revered by Elmhurst Residents

by Dave Noble, City News Editor

ELMHURST – Previously described as unskilled, unthoughtful, and not reflective of their primary customer base, Jewel-Osco employees working tirelessly to keep the shelves stocked and distribute the proper number of Monopoly game tickets to customers during the COVID-19 pandemic are now being hailed as “heroes” by Elmhurst residents.

“These people are working very hard, and they should be treated as if they were one of us,” said S. Lawndale Ave. resident Belinda McKay, who complimented every Jewel-Osco employee she came in contact with while shopping at the S. York St. location Wednesday morning and then graciously offered cigarettes to off-duty employees sitting on benches outside of the store.  “I may not have anything in common with them, but I’m very thankful for how they are serving my community.”

Common criticisms from the past including deli meat slicing skills, slow product scanning, and a lack of respect for the customers “who pay their salary” have been quickly forgotten as Jewel-Osco employees are now being lauded for their job performance which by most accounts hasn’t really changed since the coronavirus outbreak began.

Over at the Schiller St. Jewel-Osco, customers who tried to exceed the purchase limit on milk and disinfecting wipes were impressed by the polite – yet stern – scolding delivered by employees and their “fair” asking price of only $10 for information regarding the next delivery of toilet paper.

Both Elmhurst Jewel-Osco stores have scheduled priority shopping hours from 7:00-9:00 a.m. on Tuesday and Thursday to allow seniors the opportunity to select lesser-expired food items from the shelves.

Related Stories:

‘Social Distancing’ Embraced by Elmhurst Residents Who Already Dislike Each Other

City of Elmhurst Advises Residents to Hold Off on Completing U.S. Census Until Coronavirus ‘Takes Its Toll’

‘Social Distancing’ Embraced by Elmhurst Residents Who Already Dislike Each Other

by Dave Noble, City News Editor

ELMHURST – Welcoming the guidelines issued by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention as a well-needed break from interacting with each other, the majority of Elmhurst residents are reportedly elated to practice “Social Distancing” during the COVID-19 pandemic by avoiding contact with their neighbors, members of their fitness club, and the general population they would normally come in contact with on a daily basis.

As the rapid spread of the virus that causes COVID-19 sparked alarm worldwide and resulted in more sanctions Monday and Tuesday, Elmhurst residents quickly and enthusiastically distanced themselves from one another.  Those who did venture out the last two days gladly practiced limited eye contact with other people and avoided facial expressions that might be misinterpreted as an invitation to interact.

Some families have imposed a self-quarantine to avoid fellow residents, allowing only their nanny, their housekeeper, and their personal shopper to enter their home.

“I’m really enjoying the confinement so far,” said W. Elm Park Ave. resident Barry Myers, who disdains the elaborate secret handshake he feels obligated to perform when greeted by one of his College View neighbors and customarily plans a family vacation to coincide with the neighborhood’s annual block party.  “After all of this is over, I just might stay quarantined for a few extra months.”

A poll taken Tuesday evening of people parked illegally in front of various downtown Elmhurst restaurants while waiting for their curbside pickup revealed that most residents are more than happy to give up PTA meetings, gender reveal parties, and other gatherings that are typically impossible to avoid attending.

“I suddenly have lots of time to relax and do some projects around the house,” said Eggleston Ave. resident Janice Beaumont, wearing a Celtic green surgeons mask in celebration of St. Patrick’s Day while waiting for her order of Kung Pao Corned Beef outside of Ni Hao Asian Café.  “I could get used to this.”

At press time, Elmhurst residents revealed that they are more than happy to distance themselves from their own family as well, if necessary.

City of Elmhurst Advises Residents to Hold Off on Completing U.S. Census Until Coronavirus ‘Takes Its Toll’

by Dave Noble, City News Editor

ELMHURST – Stating that it’s probably best to wait until “the dust has settled,” the City of Elmhurst issued a statement Thursday morning, urging residents to postpone completing the U.S. Census until the Coronavirus disease has taken its toll on the local population.

“While the 2020 Census is instrumental for Elmhurst to receive proper funding for public services, we cannot in good conscience ask our citizens to complete the survey knowing that some of them may not be around much longer,” read the statement, as residents fearful of COVID-19 drained the city’s supply of bottled water, toilet paper, and Tito’s vodka.

Ad campaigns “Matt Counts, You Count” and “Fill Out The Goddamn Survey So That We Can Get Our Funding” imploring residents to complete the questionnaire were immediately pulled from the city’s website and social media platforms, and the city issued a travel ban for residents returning from China, Italy, Iran or Bensenville.

For those who do not complete the census, a bureau representative will go door-to-door in May to collect responses and to view a copy of the household’s energy bill.

City Dyes Salt Creek in Honor of Elmhurst St. Patrick’s Day Parade

by Dave Noble, City News Editor

ELMHURST – With the help of Elmhurst City Council members and Park District officials, Mayor Steve Morley temporarily changed the color of Salt Creek’s water to an emerald green this morning in honor of today’s St. Patrick’s Day Parade, pouring 15 pounds of an eco-friendly vegetable-based dye into the creek.

The process took place at the Elmhurst Salt Creek County Forest Preserve, just north of St. Charles Road and west of Route 83, where flour sifters were used to pour the powdery substance into the water. A small motorboat piloted by Mayor Morley helped spread the dye, and within an hour, nearly the entire Elmhurst segment of Salt Creek had turned green.

The creek color will return to its natural murky-brown by Sunday morning.