10 Biggest Mistakes Made by People Who Attend the Elmhurst St. Patrick’s Day Parade

by Dave Noble, City News Editor

ELMHURST – The Elmhurst St. Patrick’s Day Parade kicks off next Saturday at noon, and more than 20,000 people are expected to attend the event. It is the largest St. Patrick’s Day parade in DuPage Co., and there will be close to 150 entries this year.  Here are the ten biggest mistakes made by people who attend the parade.

Reserving A Spot Too Early With Lawn Chairs Or Blankets: If you reserve a spot in front of a home on Spring Rd. before garbage day on Thursday, your stuff is going to get hauled away with the other refuse. And the homeowner might play a role in that.

Taking An Uber Or Lyft To And From The Parade: The GPS app does not account for temporary street closings, drivers generally frown upon people shot-gunning beers in their vehicle, and they are never going to locate you after the parade. Just bring your own car, take a breath mint before getting behind the wheel, and drive home using side streets.

Wearing Green Clothing Unless You Are At Least 50% Irish: That’s Cultural Appropriation, and you should be ashamed of yourself.

Smoking Weed At The Parade: The police are pretty cool about alcohol consumption at the parade, but if they catch one whiff of “Emerald OG”, “Lucky Charms”, or “Pot of Gold”, you’re busted.  Just take an edible like everyone else does.

Spontaneously Participating In The Parade: You’re more than 40 years old, you’re drunk, and you have a bad knee. Don’t think for a second that you can pull off an Irish stepdance alongside the girls from the Trinity Academy of Irish Dance.

Using The Hood Of A Police Car To Play Beer Pong: The hood size isn’t even close to standard table dimensions for Beer Pong.  Bring a folding table.

Walking Into A Random Spring Rd. House To Use Their Bathroom: This isn’t that big of a deal, actually. Just be sure to flush the toilet and compliment the homeowner on their furniture or something else in the house.

Telling People That The Chicago St. Patrick’s Day Parade Is Better: There is a 90% chance that you’re going to get your ass kicked for saying this, and a 99% chance that you deserve it.

Expecting Your Kids To Get Candy Toward The End Of The Parade Route: LOLOL…participants who give out candy ALWAYS run out well before the end of the parade route.

Forgetting If You Parked Five Blocks East Or Five Blocks West Of Spring Rd.: A devastating mistake if you guess wrong. Consider leaving a trail of urine between your vehicle and the parade so that you can find your back to the car by scent.

Links to previous Elmhurst Funion stories about the Elmhurst St. Patrick’s Day Parade:

“Spring Rd. Family Cancels St. Patrick’s Day Parade Viewing Party” – March 8, 2018

“City Dies Salt Creek in Honor of St. Patrick’s Day Parade” – March 4, 2017

“Report: St. Patrick’s Day Parade Ban on Hoverboards Affects More Than One-Third of Entrees” – February 23, 2016

“Memorable Moments from the Elmhurst St. Patrick’s Day Parade” – February 15, 2016

Elmhurst Prepares for Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis Visit by Hiding All Signs of ‘Wokeness’

by Dave Noble, City News Editor

ELMHURST – Temporarily removing “Elmhurst is For Everyone” banners and yard signs and concealing all references to Black History Month are among the detailed preparations being conducted by the City of Elmhurst, the police department, and other local agencies this weekend as Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis comes to town on Monday to speak to members of Chicago’s Fraternal Order of Police.

The exact location in Elmhurst of the “invite-only” event on Presidents Day has yet to be revealed, leaving City Hall the difficult task of formulating multiple plans for security and a police escort while making every effort possible to disguise the town’s “wokeness” from DeSantis.

“We still don’t know where the governor will be speaking, so it’s a very difficult task to eliminate everything that might leave him with an unfavorable impression of our town,” said Elmhurst Mayor Scott Levin, who assumes that DeSantis will probably want to stop at Portillo’s for lunch and visit the library to see what types of books are on the shelves. “We simply have to cover all of our bases so that we’re not embarrassed as a community.” The independent living community Park Place of Elmhurst has been speculated as a venue host so that DeSantis feels more “at home”.

Hosted by the Fraternal Order of Police Chicago Lodge #7, the event is for law enforcement members who oppose Critical Race Theory, abortion, and anything to do with transgender rights. The location of the event will be shared with registrants 48 hours prior and attendees will be required to use a secret handshake in order to enter.

At press time, Levin announced that the first grade class from Hawthorne Elementary School will be singing the ABC’s when DeSantis is introduced at the event, but will eliminate the letters L, B, G, T, Q, I, and A from the song.

Underprivileged North Side Omitted from Circulation of Swanky New Elmhurst Magazine

by Dave Noble, City News Editor

ELMHURST – Billed as a publication that will focus on “the significant parts of Elmhurst and the people who live there”, a new local monthly magazine will not be distributed to the impoverished north side of town, according to its publisher Mike Ellis.

The first edition of “Cottage Hill Magazine” – which includes stories on a local teeth-whitening business, the success of a York High School football player, and the best places in America to purchase your third home – was mailed to more than 14,000 households in Elmhurst last week, yet not circulated to approximately 5,000 homes north of North Avenue.

“Our research shows that the majority of important Elmhurst residents rarely travel north of North Ave. and do not associate with those folks” said Ellis, who added that he did not pursue any advertisement opportunities from businesses along north York Rd. due to their irrelevancy to the local economy and a fear for his personal safety. “In light of that information, we decided to concentrate on the people who ‘pay the bills’ in town, so to speak.”

Coupons for only premiere local businesses will fill around 40% of the magazine according to Ellis, who noted that the first issue includes deals for $100 off any $15,000 purchase at York Furriers and a free tablecloth rental for your next Wilder Mansion private party. A police blotter listing only white-collar crimes rounded out the first issue of “Cottage Hill Magazine”.

In response, North Elmhurst residents are preparing to launch their own publication titled “Van Auken Magazine”. The first issue will include an interview with Viking Trophy assistant manager Ken Macha, an update on the installation of sidewalks, and a rumor that Yorky’s will soon be raising the price of their gyro sandwich by 25 cents.