ELMHURST – With the help of Elmhurst City Council members and Park District officials, Mayor Scott Levin temporarily changed the color of Salt Creek’s water to an emerald green this morning in honor of today’s St. Patrick’s Day Parade, pouring 15 pounds of an eco-friendly vegetable-based dye into the creek.
The process took place at the Elmhurst Salt Creek County Forest Preserve, just north of St. Charles Road and west of Route 83, where flour sifters were used to pour the powdery substance into the water. A small motorboat piloted by Mayor Levin helped spread the dye, and within an hour, nearly the entire Elmhurst segment of Salt Creek had turned green.
The creek is expected to return to its natural murky-brown color by Sunday morning.
ELMHURST – Parents who can afford the costly tuition and know who they have to bribe in order to move their way up a very long wait list have a new preschool academy option in Elmhurst. Fia Mia Academy opens on Monday after a long application process that resulted in the academy being denied its request to create a petting zoo and build a 40-ft. rock climbing wall on the property but approved for the majority of their extravagant amenities.
Located in the chic Lake Street business district, the 6,000 square foot campus boasts luxuries like indoor and outdoor learning spaces, a private chef, and a commercial grade reverse osmosis system to ensure that poorly behaved children are hosed down with only the purest water possible.
Depending on the age of the child and the number of days they attend, tuition varies from $1300-$3000 per month. A $500 registration fee is not included with tuition, nor is the cost of three scheduled field trips abroad. Despite the pricey tuition, applications for enrollment have been flooding in according to Fia Mia Executive Director Lindsay Niekro.
“It’s been all word of mouth about our opening,” said Niekro about the immense interest from wealthy Elmhurst residents with deep pockets and a strong desire to separate themselves from their children for up to ten hours a day. “We were prohibited from advertising before getting our permit from DCFS, so we just spread the word. And it worked!”
Meals served at Fia Mia will include only the highest quality ingredients locally sourced from Walmart or Aldi. Hand-breaded “Fia Mia Chicken Nuggets” deep fried in corn oil and “Butter & Noodles” featuring fettuccini pasta made in-house will rotate as the daily lunch meal. For the “Life Skills” portion of the curriculum, children will spend 1 ½ to 2 hours each day watching Tik Tok videos as an introduction to becoming a social media influencer and learn simple techniques to pit their parents against one another.
Because Fia Mia is opening more than a month after the 2023-24 school year began, a condensed learning schedule has been created to ensure that the academy’s curriculum is met.
“The 3–5-year-olds will have about an hour’s worth of homework each night through January or February,” said Niekro, who noted that naps have been eliminated from the daily schedule for the “foreseeable future” in order for children to make up for the lost time. “In particular, we’re concerned that the kids may not be proficient in their foreign language of choice by the end of the year unless we make some adjustments.”
ELMHURST – Revised conditions for senior drivers, a new fee for personal helicopters, and a heavier fine for non-conformists are among the reasons Elmhurst residents are infuriated with adjustments to the 2023-24 required vehicle sticker that many already consider a “scam”.
Available for purchase at a discounted rate today through April 30, vehicle stickers allow residents to utilize their own possession in the town where they already pay taxes while providing the opportunity to earn street cred when driving through less fortunate communities.
“Villa Park doesn’t require residents to purchase vehicle stickers, so why should we have to buy them?” said N. Michigan St. resident Julia Marko, who admitted that this is the first time she can recall being jealous of Villa Park. “I think it’s just a big scam that pays city hall employees who do nothing all day.”
While the price of transferring a sticker from Tesla to Tesla or Ranger Rover to Ranger Rover remains the same, the senior citizen discount for residents 65 or older now includes language that limits their driving to daylight hours, requires them to always use the right lane on two-lane roads, and caps the number of times they can park in front of Rainbow Café at 12 per month. New residents will find vehicle sticker information included in their Application For Elmhurst Citizenship packet.
“It’s a bunch of crap that we have to pay $36 a year just to drive our cars around Elmhurst,” said Sherman Ave. resident Rex Hilliard, who spends more than $3200 each month to lease and insure his Bugatti Chiron. “Maybe I’ll just leave it in my garage and not park anywhere in Elmhurst. Then I won’t have to pay for the sticker.”
This year, a separate fee for personal helicopters has been added to the list of vehicle types, requiring residents who own one to pay $450 for the sticker. “My helicopter is always in my backyard, atop the roof of some restaurant, or occasionally in Wilder Park,” said Cottage Hill resident Lawrence Kaplan. “So I don’t see any reason to pay for a vehicle sticker.”
The fine for not having a current sticker will triple this year, and the Elmhurst Police Department issued a statement this morning reminding residents to leave their garage doors open during the first week of May so officers can verify that all vehicles have a current sticker.
ELMHURST – The Elmhurst St. Patrick’s Day Parade kicks off next Saturday at noon, and more than 20,000 people are expected to attend the event. It is the largest St. Patrick’s Day parade in DuPage Co., and there will be close to 150 entries this year. Here are the ten biggest mistakes made by people who attend the parade.
Reserving A Spot Too Early With Lawn Chairs Or Blankets: If you reserve a spot in front of a home on Spring Rd. before garbage day on Thursday, your stuff is going to get hauled away with the other refuse. And the homeowner might play a role in that.
Taking An Uber Or Lyft To And From The Parade: The GPS app does not account for temporary street closings, drivers generally frown upon people shot-gunning beers in their vehicle, and they are never going to locate you after the parade. Just bring your own car, take a breath mint before getting behind the wheel, and drive home using side streets.
Wearing Green Clothing Unless You Are At Least 50% Irish: That’s Cultural Appropriation, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
Smoking Weed At The Parade: The police are pretty cool about alcohol consumption at the parade, but if they catch one whiff of “Emerald OG”, “Lucky Charms”, or “Pot of Gold”, you’re busted. Just take an edible like everyone else does.
Spontaneously Participating In The Parade: You’re more than 40 years old, you’re drunk, and you have a bad knee. Don’t think for a second that you can pull off an Irish stepdance alongside the girls from the Trinity Academy of Irish Dance.
Using The Hood Of A Police Car To Play Beer Pong: The hood size isn’t even close to standard table dimensions for Beer Pong. Bring a folding table.
Walking Into A Random Spring Rd. House To Use Their Bathroom: This isn’t that big of a deal, actually. Just be sure to flush the toilet and compliment the homeowner on their furniture or something else in the house.
Telling People That The Chicago St. Patrick’s Day Parade Is Better: There is a 90% chance that you’re going to get your ass kicked for saying this, and a 99% chance that you deserve it.
Expecting Your Kids To Get Candy Toward The End Of The Parade Route: LOLOL…participants who give out candy ALWAYS run out well before the end of the parade route.
Forgetting If You Parked Five Blocks East Or Five Blocks West Of Spring Rd.: A devastating mistake if you guess wrong. Consider leaving a trail of urine between your vehicle and the parade so that you can find your back to the car by scent.
Links to previous Elmhurst Funion stories about the Elmhurst St. Patrick’s Day Parade:
ELMHURST – Temporarily removing “Elmhurst is For Everyone” banners and yard signs and concealing all references to Black History Month are among the detailed preparations being conducted by the City of Elmhurst, the police department, and other local agencies this weekend as Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis comes to town on Monday to speak to members of Chicago’s Fraternal Order of Police.
The exact location in Elmhurst of the “invite-only” event on Presidents Day has yet to be revealed, leaving City Hall the difficult task of formulating multiple plans for security and a police escort while making every effort possible to disguise the town’s “wokeness” from DeSantis.
“We still don’t know where the governor will be speaking, so it’s a very difficult task to eliminate everything that might leave him with an unfavorable impression of our town,” said Elmhurst Mayor Scott Levin, who assumes that DeSantis will probably want to stop at Portillo’s for lunch and visit the library to see what types of books are on the shelves. “We simply have to cover all of our bases so that we’re not embarrassed as a community.” The independent living community Park Place of Elmhurst has been speculated as a venue host so that DeSantis feels more “at home”.
Hosted by the Fraternal Order of Police Chicago Lodge #7, the event is for law enforcement members who oppose Critical Race Theory, abortion, and anything to do with transgender rights. The location of the event will be shared with registrants 48 hours prior and attendees will be required to use a secret handshake in order to enter.
At press time, Levin announced that the first grade class from Hawthorne Elementary School will be singing the ABC’s when DeSantis is introduced at the event, but will eliminate the letters L, B, G, T, Q, I, and A from the song.
ELMHURST – Billed as a publication that will focus on “the significant parts of Elmhurst and the people who live there”, a new local monthly magazine will not be distributed to the impoverished north side of town, according to its publisher Mike Ellis.
The first edition of “Cottage Hill Magazine” – which includes stories on a local teeth-whitening business, the success of a York High School football player, and the best places in America to purchase your third home – was mailed to more than 14,000 households in Elmhurst last week, yet not circulated to approximately 5,000 homes north of North Avenue.
“Our research shows that the majority of important Elmhurst residents rarely travel north of North Ave. and do not associate with those folks” said Ellis, who added that he did not pursue any advertisement opportunities from businesses along north York Rd. due to their irrelevancy to the local economy and a fear for his personal safety. “In light of that information, we decided to concentrate on the people who ‘pay the bills’ in town, so to speak.”
Coupons for only premiere local businesses will fill around 40% of the magazine according to Ellis, who noted that the first issue includes deals for $100 off any $15,000 purchase at York Furriers and a free tablecloth rental for your next Wilder Mansion private party. A police blotter listing only white-collar crimes rounded out the first issue of “Cottage Hill Magazine”.
In response, North Elmhurst residents are preparing to launch their own publication titled “Van Auken Magazine”. The first issue will include an interview with Viking Trophy assistant manager Ken Macha, an update on the installation of sidewalks, and a rumor that Yorky’s will soon be raising the price of their gyro sandwich by 25 cents.
ELMHURST – Citing safety concerns and logistical issues, City Centre announced last week that ‘Rock the Block’ is cancelled for the second year in a row. We asked Elmhurst residents: What do you think?
“This was a tough but safe decision. It would have been really difficult to tell who is from Elmhurst and who isn’t if everyone is wearing a mask.” – Mike Cooper, N. Van Auken St.“Darn it. Now I have to wait until next year to hear ‘Don’t Stop Believin’.” – Joe Munson, West Ave.“If they’re going to cancel Rock the Block because of COVID then they should cancel Cool Cars Under the Stars as well.” – Nancy Harder, The Marke“Couldn’t they have just asked the bands to turn down the music a little?” – Gene Walker, S. Poplar Ave.“I thought last year’s cancellation announcement was a lot better.” – Simon Marshall, N. Elm Ave.“It was an unfair advantage for all of the businesses on York to have people using their restroom.” – Alice Hanger, E. Park Ave.
The new Metra station was designed by members of the Elmhurst Model Railroad Club.
by Dave Noble, City News Editor
ELMHURST – Responding to overwhelming criticism from residents over its “futuristic” design, estimated cost, and lack of connectivity to the town’s past, the City of Elmhurst this week discarded an already-approved plan for a new Metra station concept in favor of a more “historic” looking and less expensive train depot.
Expected to be approved unanimously Monday by the Elmhurst City Council, the new 900-square foot wooden structure will cost less than $15,000 and take around 10–11 days to build. Federal grants that would have paid for the majority of costs to construct a much larger station were turned down by the City in favor of the simpler design.
Residents were thankful the City reacted quickly to complaints and came up with a solution that pleases community members who have to look at it, rather than the nearly 2,000 riders who board at the Elmhurst station each weekday.
“The new design is a much better reflection of what Elmhurst is, or at least what it used to be,” said longtime resident Stu Saberhagen, who hasn’t personally used the train since taking it downtown to see the King Tut exhibit in 1977 but often drives past the Metra station on his way to the underpass. “I don’t want to look at a spaceship every day. It’s a train stop for Christ’s sake. You get on and you get off.”
Despite its simplicity, the new station will have several amenities that the current one lacks. Windows on all four sides of the building will provide cooling in the summer while a wood-burning fireplace will furnish heat in the winter. A large chalkboard mounted inside the station will list departure times for inbound and outbound trains, and urinals in the men’s restroom will be replaced by a trough.
A proposed floor door and ladder inside of the station to serve as an underground crossing is still being examined for ADA compliance.
Eliminated from the updated design is space for Pilot Pete’s Coffee and Treats, a popular coffee shop that has been located inside the Metra station since 2011. City officials are waiting to hear back from Pete on their offer for him to run the new station’s shoe shining kiosk instead.
ELMHURST – Annoyed by constant complaining from locals who are overly fond of coupons, employ a 20th century method to pay utility bills, and are still waiting for their Father’s Day card to arrive, Elmhurst Postmaster Daryl Olerud told reporters Thursday afternoon that residents who are not happy with the current post office service “can come get your own damn mail.”
OIerud’s threat to roll out carts of mail to the sidewalk in front of the post office every morning and allow residents to retrieve their own postcards, letters and small packages comes after increased scrutiny over non-delivery and incorrectly-delivered mail. The mental health of residents who often endure 2-3 days without mail delivery has sparked outrage among the community.
“We have 49 routes and only 32 carriers on staff,” said Olerud, noting that extended unemployment benefits from the pandemic and undesirable routes requiring mail carriers to traverse extended front yards, drawbridges, and security detail have contributed to understaffing at the post office. Olerud also indicated that an abnormal amount of “unnecessary” mail has contributed to the problem as well. “Until further notice, we suggest that residents pick up the phone or maybe even visit their relatives in person rather than sending greeting cards for every holiday and birthday.”
While the pandemic helps explain delivery issues over the last 17 months, residents maintain that timely and accurate mail delivery has been problematic for years and that the mail carriers themselves are often to blame.
“This has been going on for a long time now,” said Willow St. resident Sam Buckley, who claims he hasn’t received a Sears catalog or a Reader’s Digest in “ages” and often sees his carrier smoking a cigarette as she fills mailboxes approximately 50 feet from anyone’s door on his block. “On top of that, I get my neighbors’ mail delivered to me all of the time. It’s not my job to tell the Wilsons next door that they are about to have their electricity turned off, or to tell Mr. Lattimore across the street that he is being sued by someone.”
Upon further questioning from reporters, Olerud conceded that harsh conditions such as snow, rain, heat, and the gloom of night often play a factor in mail carriers not completing their rounds.
ELMHURST – Pleasure-cruises down Route 83, tours of the city’s three water towers, and chauffeured rides through the Portillo’s drive-thru are some of the unique ways that Elmhurst residents are experiencing what upper-middle class living is like, thanks to a local pedicab company that opened last month.
Owned and operated by resident Mike McCracken, Elmhurst Pedicab Co. is a bicycle taxi and tour service available by appointment for destination travel, time-based rental, or to visit Elmhurst points of interest like homes with drawbridges, locations of recent stabbings and shootings, and places of business with controversial signage in their window.
Riders during the first month of the pedicab’s business have reported a momentary feeling that they were actually a higher-status member of society and expressed a desire to someday live in a town more prosperous than Elmhurst.
“My wife and I took a ride through City Centre on the pedicab service last weekend, and it felt like we were riding down the streets of downtown Chicago or Central London,” said local resident Jacob Stallworth, who praised McCracken’s ability to jump curbs, pop wheelies, and traverse street barricades and intoxicated pedestrians. “Frankly, it’s businesses like this that are the only thing separating us from towns like Villa Park and Bensenville.”
Negative feedback regarding the pedicab’s suspension, no backseat climate control, and a city ordinance that prohibits riders from bringing bottles of wine, pitchers of margaritas, or kegs of beer for the typical three-quarters of a mile jaunt have only been small challenges to overcome compared to unpredictable weather conditions.
“The weather has been kind of iffy lately, so it’s hard to rely on only the weekends for fares,” said McCracken, who makes extra money during the weekday by shuttling tardy Metra riders from parking garages to the train station and re-delivering mail for the post office. “But once summer is here and the temperature is consistently warm, I’m expecting a surge in business Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays.”
The pedicab’s service area is limited to the city of Elmhurst, and does not include adjoining townships or the semi-Elmhurst Pick Subdivision. But McCracken noted that “other arrangements can be made” if customers want a ride to the marijuana dispensary in Addison.
The Elmhurst Funion 