‘Incompetent’ Jewel-Osco Employees Now Revered by Elmhurst Residents

by Dave Noble, City News Editor

ELMHURST – Previously described as unskilled, unthoughtful, and not reflective of their primary customer base, Jewel-Osco employees working tirelessly to keep the shelves stocked and distribute the proper number of Monopoly game tickets to customers during the COVID-19 pandemic are now being hailed as “heroes” by Elmhurst residents.

“These people are working very hard, and they should be treated as if they were one of us,” said S. Lawndale Ave. resident Belinda McKay, who complimented every Jewel-Osco employee she came in contact with while shopping at the S. York St. location Wednesday morning and then graciously offered cigarettes to off-duty employees sitting on benches outside of the store.  “I may not have anything in common with them, but I’m very thankful for how they are serving my community.”

Common criticisms from the past including deli meat slicing skills, slow product scanning, and a lack of respect for the customers “who pay their salary” have been quickly forgotten as Jewel-Osco employees are now being lauded for their job performance which by most accounts hasn’t really changed since the coronavirus outbreak began.

Over at the Schiller St. Jewel-Osco, customers who tried to exceed the purchase limit on milk and disinfecting wipes were impressed by the polite – yet stern – scolding delivered by employees and their “fair” asking price of only $10 for information regarding the next delivery of toilet paper.

Both Elmhurst Jewel-Osco stores have scheduled priority shopping hours from 7:00-9:00 a.m. on Tuesday and Thursday to allow seniors the opportunity to select lesser-expired food items from the shelves.

Related Stories:

‘Social Distancing’ Embraced by Elmhurst Residents Who Already Dislike Each Other

City of Elmhurst Advises Residents to Hold Off on Completing U.S. Census Until Coronavirus ‘Takes Its Toll’

Local Girl Scouts Bear Down on Vulnerable Elmhurst Residents with Annual Cookie Sale

by Dave Noble, City News Editor

ELMHURST – Targeting grocery shoppers, neighbors, and the co-workers of their parents, local Girl Scouts armed with 10,000 boxes of cookies commandeered the City of Elmhurst over the weekend, taking position along the perimeter of every grocer in town and supported by ground troops engaged in door-to-door sales.

Elmhurst residents overwhelmed by a barrage of sales pitches and irresistible cookie choices like Thin Mints and Samoas were powerless against Girl Scouts as the second and final stage of “Cookie Season” got underway.

A squadron of nine-year-old Scouts reportedly ambushed shoppers exiting the Schiller St. Jewel-Osco Saturday morning, peddling $5 boxes of cookies to highly-susceptible residents and exposing their weakness for refined carbohydrates, sugar, and saturated fat.

Meanwhile, Girl Scouts deployed into the city’s wealthiest neighborhoods scaled security fences with ease, disregarded “no soliciting” signs, and were met with little to no resistance from homeowners.

Initial data indicates strong sales of S’mores and Do-Si-Dos on the north side of town, and a near sellout of the gluten-free Toffee-Tastics in south Elmhurst.

A helicopter scheduled to airdrop 5,000 more boxes of cookies into Wilder Park during the early hours of Tuesday morning will be retrieved by a hand-picked battalion of Girl Scouts, according to a high-ranking Troop mother who wishes to remain anonymous.

Elmhurst residents are expected to purchase and consume more than 35,000 during Cookie Season, which runs through the end of March.

Elmhurst City Council Expected to Deny Local Family’s Request for Second Shitter

By Dave Noble, City News Editor

ELMHURST – Barring further evidence that proves they have granted similar requests in the past, the Elmhurst City Council is expected to deny a zoning variation request Tuesday night from a local duplicitous couple who apparently need a second bathroom for their family of five.

Rosie and Mark Anglewicz, who purchased an 1890s era house in the 100 block of E. Elmhurst Ave. more than ten years ago and failed to reveal at the time their intention to start a family, now want council members to compromise one of the city’s most sacred zoning ordinances and permit a lavish 7 x 7 foot full-sized bathroom addition that would exceed the allowed lot coverage limit by a full one percent.

After their variance request for an even larger addition was rejected back in December, the Anglewiczes were graciously afforded an additional opportunity to beg the City Council for a “more reasonable” smaller addition during Monday’s Development, Planning and Zoning Committee meeting. The committee had a split vote against the approval on Monday, with 2nd Ward Alderman Bob Dunn acting as the only treasonous member to okay the variance.

Righteously voting against the Anglewiczes at Monday’s meeting were 7th Ward Alderman Mark Mulliner and 6th Ward Alderman Mike Honquest.

“Can’t they just walk over to Jewel and use their bathroom?” asked Honquest after Monday’s meeting, noting that the city never approves plans for structures that exceed 30% of a residential lot unless the applicant has a really cool classic car collection and needs extra garage space.

“We say ‘no’ to this type of variation request every time, whether the applicant is rich or poor. And let’s face it, if the Anglewiczes have five people living on the third-smallest residential lot in Elmhurst, they must be poor.”

At press time, members of the Elmhurst City Council were discussing a location to celebrate the rejection of the Anglewiczes’ variance request.

Elmhurst Husbands Descend Upon Jewel-Osco for Last-Minute Valentine’s Day Gifts

by Dave Noble, City News Editor

ELMHURST – Frantically seizing discounted flower arrangements, stumbling through the housewares, cosmetics, and “seasonal” aisles with no regard to other shoppers, and breaking every rule of etiquette in the Express Lane Checkout line, more than 300 procrastinating Elmhurst husbands bombarded the 944 S. York St. Jewel-Osco late Thursday afternoon in search of last-minute Valentine’s Day gifts for their wives.

Greeting cards, kitchen utensils, and expired pints of Driscoll’s brand strawberries were among the most frequent purchases by Elmhurst husbands, who desperately employed butcher counter staff to wrap gifts and asked pharmacists to recommend romantic body soaps during a frenzied two-hour period starting shortly after 4:00 p.m.

“It’s a madhouse in here,” said S. Euclid Ave. husband Joe Seaver, holding a 3-foot long box of Russell Stover Pecan Delight Assorted Chocolates in the wine aisle while trying to remember if his wife prefers Barefoot Moscato or Woodbridge Pinot Grigio.  “Looks like I’m not the only husband in town that waited until the last minute to buy presents for his wife.”

While many husbands put a lot of thought into eleventh-hour gift choices like cast iron fryer pans, moisturizing facial scrubs and Revlon hairdryers, others showed haste in their purchases.

“I just grabbed an oven thermometer, which is probably what I bought her last year,” said Stratford Ave. husband Jerry Lincicome, holding an unread Valentine’s Day card for this wife while rummaging through a sparse collection of candles and debating whether he should just buy a lavender and chamomile scented Air Wick refill instead.  “She said didn’t want anything for Valentine’s Day, so I’m sure she’ll be impressed that I bought some stuff anyway.”

At press time, police were called to the Redbox kiosk outside of Jewel-Osco after a fight broke out among husbands all trying to rent “The Notebook”.

Elmhurst Residents Emerge (Mostly) Unscathed from Polar Vortex

A mail carrier delivers much-anticipated utility bills and furniture store catalogs to Elmhurst residents on Tuesday.  The post office did not deliver mail on Wednesday or Thursday due to weather conditions.

by Dave Noble, City News Editor

ELMHURST – Brutally cold temperatures and a dangerous wind chill that resulted in school cancellations, a limited number of options to purchase alcohol, and a devastating two-day delay in mail delivery were among the struggles endured by Elmhurst residents this week as the polar vortex entered the Midwest, virtually shutting down the city on Wednesday and Thursday.

Snow on Tuesday afternoon followed by historically-low temperatures over the next two days took an icy grip over Elmhurst and forced residents to either ride out the weather at home in the company of their own family or venture out into the polar vortex for necessities such as Tito’s vodka, spin classes at FFC, and the latest Bed, Bath & Beyond coupons purported to have been mailed out on Monday and awaiting pick up at the Elmhurst Post Office.

“I promised myself I would never go inside the post office again,” said resident Lindsay Law, waiting in line Thursday morning to purchase a Cinnamon Shortbread Latte at the jam-packed downtown Elmhurst Starbucks.  “The last time I was in there, the girl behind the counter yelled ‘Next’ really loud.  But I haven’t received my ComEd bill since August, and I’m pretty sure that the Arhaus spring furniture catalog is due any day now.  I’m really not sure what to do.”

Throughout Elmhurst, residents faced similar decisions as temperature dipped below minus 20 degrees both Wednesday and Thursday.

“I have to admit, I wasn’t prepared for this weather,” said Kent Ave. resident James Rudy, who bravely spent $5.23 to employ an Uber driver traveling from Niles to usher him to the S. York St. Jewel-Osco two blocks away from his home.  “But I ate my entire package of Oreo ‘Most Stuf’ cookies last night, so I had to ‘buck up’ and go to the store for more.  I’m just thankful that Jewel took the right measures under these circumstances by opening up a second check-out lane.”

While most residents were thankful for those businesses that did not close on Wednesday and Thursday, others questioned the recklessness of business owners who remained open during the frigid weather.

“Not having a valet service at this restaurant puts my safety at risk,” said resident Sherman Myers, eating Rigatoni alla Mantovana inside of Francesca’s Amici Wednesday night while staring out the window at his idling vehicle parked directly across the street.  “I’m going to talk to the manager and see if I can get a bottle of wine comped.”

The City of Elmhurst announced Thursday evening that garbage pick up would resume on Friday and that residents should expect to see a slight increase in their next water bill to offset the cost of extra snow removal during the month of January.

Trader Joe’s Announces They Will Never Open a Location in Elmhurst

by Dave Noble, City News Editor
ELMHURST – Stating that the courtship from both residents and City Hall has grown “tiresome” and that the town fails to meet both the social and economic standards required by his company, Trader Joe’s Chief Executive Officer Dan Bane issued a press release Tuesday morning stating that the “fresh format” grocery store will never open a location in Elmhurst.

The announcement sent shockwaves throughout the community and was met with disappointment by the Elmhurst Economic Development Commission, who was convinced that Trader Joe’s would eventually open a new location in the mid-sized suburban town that already has a Whole Foods, a Mariano’s, two Jewels, and a population of fault-finding grocery shoppers.

“They’ve made it very clear with this statement that they don’t want to open a grocery store here,” said Assistant City Manager Mike Kopp, who noted that he has reached out to Trader Joe’s executives on “dozens” of occasions over the last year or so to gauge their interest in various properties that are available in Elmhurst. “I just called them last week to see if they wanted to take a look at the old location of Rainbow Restaurant. There’s not much parking on the site, but there are a couple of parking garages within a few blocks.”

Elmhurst residents were devastated by the news.

“I had my heart set on Trader Joe’s opening in Elmhurst,” said resident Julia Formari, eating a $15 egg salad sandwich and a drinking a $7 organic juice at the Whole Foods café on Route 83. “Frankly, I’m not satisfied with Whole Foods’ selection of organically grown, environmental-friendly products with no genetically-modified ingredients.”

The decision to eliminate Elmhurst as a potential future location was an easy decision for Trader Joe’s, according to Bane.

“There are dozens of reasons why we would never open a store in Elmhurst,” said Bane, who declined to comment on a rumor that the Economic Development Commission offered to amend some zoning ordinances for Trader Joe’s to open a 25,000 square foot store adjacent to “The Hub” at Berens Park. “The residents are very picky, and they have a reputation for asking a million questions about the origin of products. On top of that, Elmhurst is a revolving door of businesses that open and close.”

Bane added that he is close to completing two separate deals that will bring Trader Joe’s grocery stores to both Bensenville and Schiller Park.

Transients Decimate Elmhurst Beverage Supply as New Cook County Tax Hike Takes Effect

by Dave Noble, City News Editor 
ELMHURST – Comparing it to the mayhem during the much-publicized Hostess Twinkie production stoppage in 2012, south Elmhurst Jewel-Osco manager Tony Garza told reporters smoking cigarettes near the Redbox kiosk outside of the building’s front entrance on Thursday that Cook County residents continue to diminish the sweetened beverage supply in his store since a new tax hike took effect last month, resulting in a scarcity of sugary drinks that experts say are a dietary staple for most Elmhurst residents.

The penny-per-ounce tax – which went into effect in Cook County on August 1st – has brought hundreds of migrants from across the county border on a daily basis to save money on things like soda, ready-to-drink coffees, and energy drinks. The increase to the city’s tax revenue has left many local residents angry.

“I’ve been hearing a lot of grief from the customers about our low stock on sodas and other drinks,” said Garza, who stated that the typical complaints he receives from shoppers include expired food items on the shelves and the tendency of his grocery baggers to smile too little or too much at the customers. “It seems that every Elmhurst resident, butler, nanny and personal shopper in the store stops me to complain.”

While most residents reported an increase in anxiety due to the short supply of things like Sunny D, Gatorade, and alcohol mixers, other locals who deprive their families of sugar have been mostly unaffected by the increased number of foreigners seen throughout Elmhurst since the tax hike took effect.

“I do all my grocery shopping at Whole Foods because I love my children more than most people do,” said Garrett, waiting in line at the downtown Elmhurst Starbucks to order a Venti White Chocolate Mocha. “So as long as they just come to Jewels and leave again, I really don’t care.” 

The Elmhurst City Council will discuss issuing temporary visas to soda shoppers from Cook County during their regularly scheduled meeting on Tuesday.

Local Man Cuts Jewel Deli Line with Risky Move

by Dave Noble, City News Editor

ELMHURST – Stating that he simply took advantage of an opportunity when it presented itself, local resident Bruce Mercer told a handful of reporters gathered in the utensils and cookware aisle of the S. York Street Jewel-Osco Thursday evening that cutting in front of seven other customers at the deli counter just moments earlier was the riskiest move he has made at the grocery store since snatching three tasting cups of Snack Factory Pretzel Crisps from an unattended sample table last April.

“It was really tense there for a moment,” said Mercer, who was holding ticket 62 but answered the third call for number 55 after no one else claimed to be holding the ticket. “I think a few of the other customers were suspicious that it wasn’t my number, but once I committed to being number 55, I just had to go with it.”

Sensing that he shouldn’t draw more attention to himself than needed, Mercer stated that he scratched four of the seven different sliced meats and cheeses he intended to buy and refrained from speaking up when the deli counter worker went slightly over on weighing out his requested one-quarter pound of Signature Brand smoked provolone.

“There was this one customer who was eye-balling me from the moment I started ordering,” said Mercer, who crumbled up his ticket and put it into his mouth to destroy the evidence of his wrong-doing. “I wasn’t going to swallow the ticket, but when the deli counter worker handed me a sample slice of pastrami, I had no choice.”

At press time, Mercer was contemplating whether he should enter the “15 Items Or Less” aisle with his shopping basket stuffed with 20+ items.